Complaining

I complain about things quite often, and I am not really sure why. I have often thought of the reason why I complain so much. I have thought of my passivity in conflicts as being a cause: by rallying others to my frustration so they will act in my stead. I am writing about this is because I have tried to not complain these past couple of weeks. These past couple of weeks have not been fun at all and probably have been some of the most stressful weeks I have ever experienced at Ivy Tech, but I have tried to not complain. I have been staying away from Twitter a bit more so I can resist the urge to complain about my struggle. Believe me, I want to say so much right now, but I will not. Instead I will talk about the good thing that emerged from this mess: God is replacing everything in my life (what little it feels like I have left) for my dependency on Him. I have seen the obvious signs that this is a test from God. He even took something away again (several, actually) that I most certainly did not want Him to take away. Speaking of taking things away, just this last Sunday marked the anniversary of Him taking away my car. How suitable is it then that He would take more away a year later...

At first (like last year), I did not find this humorous or interesting (even in an observing sense). I was upset, and rightfully so, according to what our world likes to tell us. I am still slightly upset, but things are more clear to me now. What is so upsetting is I feel I have given up so much already: unwise spending of my money and time (even with little things) with food, video games, movies, and anything else I may want for half a year now. What is so unfortunately funny is God cares little about those things because at one time they were the things I could not "live without", but now they are simply not. They were easy to for me to give up. No, He keeps digging. He wants what is at the core of me: My time, my real desires, and my plans. And how He does that is by bluntly taking it away like a parent takes something from a child in order to discipline. He knows me very well. He knows what I need. To resist the urge to complain I will say, since the start of this extra class I have had very little free-time. My plans have been wrecked ever since I left High School, and even more so now. It is never enjoyable for me. Although, when the dust settles I will know it was exactly what I needed.


(I have several drafts I have been working on for about a week or more now since I don't have much time to write. I thought it would be best to publish this first to explain more of the next. There is a lot on my mind, but a lot of work to be done so I don't expect to write much in the coming three weeks.)

Change

I've never been good at improvising and change has always been a setback for me. I suppose that's why God tests me so much with it: As frustrating as it is I need it. Speaking of tests, I have noticed how often He has been giving me bigger and more difficult tests than the last. My guess is because I want Him more so I give up more. Then there are times like this where I have a lot of worry and I loose sight of God.

Change is always happening. There is no avoiding it. I just like to believe God makes it bearable. And that is exactly the opposite of how I have been looking at my situation: unbearable. Again I proved the waves got the best of me. I've seen the overwhelming impossibility of decisions instead of God, and I've managed to make this blog sound like a broken record. That is because this is my test. Change is something I have always been trying to adapt to better (as is everyone), but it is impossible since change brings the unknown element into play. My improvements came when I let God handle it and the opposite is/were my failures. I guarantee there have been fewer improvements than failures. I generally don't get excited when there is change... I don't think many people do. I like having control over my situations which is exactly why I think God likes to mess it up. He wants us to rely on Him. That is what we were created for, that is our need. A fish needs water just as we need God. The only way we can really adapt to change is to allow God to handle the unknown (something I struggle with). That is what I'm going to do. I've wasted enough of my time worrying and complaining. Next week marks the beginning of unknown and stress for eight weeks (or more). Yet strangely, I am at peace with it all. He pulled me this far I'm sure He will pull me through what is to come.

Overwhelming

It's obvious I have a lot hitting me right now, but how I've chosen to react has been childish. Good thing is I've been able to shake it off and hand my worries to God. It took me a couple of weeks to regain my composure. I also realize for about a month now I have not wrote, but writing is only a very small factor in keeping me sane.

A lot is going on which is both good and bad. The good is the innumerable blessings God has put and is putting into my life. The bad right now is the enemy trying to overwhelm me by using fear and worry. However, I recently found out more bad news this morning. I know I've made it clear one direction I am planning to take was to go to Indiana Wesleyan to complete my bachelor's degree. Some of the good news is I was recently accepted and all of my paperwork has been going smoothly. I had always kept in mind the possibility of not attending IWU in which I would default to my original plan of staying here and beginning my career. This plan is an easier route financially because I would not be in debt, in fact, I would actually be making good money which would solve several of my problems. The problem is finding the time and energy to get my bachelor's. I want to get my bachelor's degree (this is a constant). The problem with IWU would be the opposite: I will have no money, but all the time and energy to achieve my bachelor's degree. Either way I would be willing to sacrifice... I think.

My portfolio course this semester requires everyone to present their portfolios in front of professionals in the graphic design and media industries. I do not mean to sound boastful when I say this, but I have had much experience in the field and many good pieces of work that WILL land me a job. I don't doubt this at all. If I want to go to IWU I will have to turn down a job. This is what scares me: My father believes I should start my career in May and stick with it. He wants me to get my bachelor's degree by taking night courses no matter how long it takes. He has also told me I have about a 90% chance I won't attend IWU because of not getting enough loans. On top of it all I am coming very close to having no work again because of a lack of work. This summer I probably will not have a job which convinces my father all the more I should just begin my career. Right now it seems I do not have a choice. I AM convinced I will never get my bachelor's if I take this route. I will try but I will not get it. This is what my father did... and he still only has an associate's degree. Like I said already: getting a bachelor's degree is a constant. It's my goal before I begin any work.

The fact is, I figured Indiana Wesleyan was too good to be true. It's ok if I don't go I just wish God will provide some way for me to still achieve my bachelor's degree soon and not in five years (I figured that's what He was doing with IWU, but I could have been wrong. It probably was all for me). I also don't want to kill myself over school and work like I'm already doing. That's all I want.

Impossibility

I realize that I just posted a blog yesterday, but I got an answer to one of my worries: I am missing a class to graduate and will have to take one this semester. Good thing is there was one open starting March 15 which would make it a 8 or 7 week class. Bad thing is 8 week courses cram 16 weeks into 8 weeks, it is on Mondays and Wednesdays after a full day of work in the evening (which means my freshmen/sophomore guys bible study will most likely have to move if I will still lead it), and let us not forget it is already difficult to juggle 12 credit hours (of some of my hardest classes yet) and 32 hours of work a week let alone now 15 credit hours. Oh yeah, I also have no idea how I'm going to pay for this. It isn't just a worry anymore, this is an impossibility. This... is... completely ridiculous. I'm feeling like Gideon right now. God is telling me I have too many men to fight the Midianites. I'm not comfortable at all with this plan, but if God can make 300 Israelites defeat an innumerable amount of Midianites I suppose He can do this too. It's just crazy that's all.

Worry

A lot of things just hit me today. My desk moved (again) right next to my boss at work, my portfolio review is tomorrow, I may be missing a class for graduation and will most likely take on an 8 week course (adding to my current heavy workload), and my time is running out for applying to colleges for a bachelor's. Ironically, it really is not a problem. I can deal with this. This change... or should I say uncertainty is what I fear and worry about most. It is difficult for me to deal with the sudden change of scenery in my plans. It feels like someone taking the foundation out from under me. Most of this is amplified by my demons telling me I cannot handle the situation, but God clearly says He will take care of me. I know this and I am at peace with a few things. Although, there are some things I am holding onto which makes me feel uneasy. I hate how I complicate what has been made simple. If I manage to make God the God over all aspects of my life then I will have no need for worry. That is because worry is the product of uncertainty and lack of control, not of God. How amazing is it that He disperses the clouds of worry, and makes everything alright.

Loves

I recently just finished The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis and I must say it is a good read. It seems that every one of his books is a good read and I do not say this lightly. He just gets it. He realizes this life is not about him or anything else, it is about God. I guess what I am saying is C.S. Lewis knew about priorities, or observed the effects of priorities in life. And that is what The Four Loves is all about, priorities.

The Four Loves are Affection, Friendship, Eros, and Charity. From the way Lewis describes the first three he implies they are lesser loves to Charity. I thought Charity was an odd way to describe a very important love, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. Charity in a sense is love in it's purest form: selflessness. Lewis references Matthew 22:37 in saying that Charity is the love towards God and through God love towards our fellow man. Charity does not care for the desires of oneself but the desires of God. And so it makes sense to call it Charity since this love is a "gift-love" (according to Lewis). We give of ourselves out of our love for God. I've always known this and I expected Lewis to reference this very verse, mostly because Christ said it was the most important of all commandments. So why not the most important of all the loves as well? But it still fascinates me that such a phenomenon can occur in the human spirit. It surely is proof of divine love since most of our loves end in divorce, fights, and arguments.

Since Charity is most important (and quite obviously holy) it would only make sense that the other three loves are less. The question to why they are less can only be answered by how much we do or do not allow God to reign in our loves. Either way the formula calls for Charity or they will become demons or disappear into nothing without it. These lesser loves are what I wanted to discuss. I have felt these loves turn into God, demons, or nothing at one time. Each new love was another responsibility. Lewis described three but I have only experienced two so far. I expect when I finally experience Eros I will be most challenged to make God the god of all my loves. It feels difficult now, and I can only imagine the increase in difficulty here on. However, I am not going to speak about what will be, but what has been so I may learn from my mistakes. Affection and Friendship are the only two loves I know. How I have let these die and become demons makes me sick. Though, subtly it all happened and I assume this is why I am at where I am now because of my dependency on friendship instead of God. My friendships did have Charity in it at one time, and those times were some of the best relationships I have ever had. However, the moment I ignored Charity was the moment my friendships began to fail. This is how I know for a fact Lewis is speaking the truth. I am driven by pain, and this can cause me to be afraid to expose myself again. But the question arises: "Does nothing at all compare to some pain and the reward of goodness?" The answer is simply "no". These loves are a blessing from God, but like the rest of creation it is not good unless the Creator shapes it Himself.

Shelob's Lair

Although I am happy this long "two" (five) years at college is coming to a close, I am frightened. I expressed this fear two blogs ago when referring to Peter walking on water. At a glance my short semester would seem easy, but I just know all too well the struggle and pain it will bring about. I feel like Frodo as he is entering Shelob's lair.

Gollum: It's the only way. Go in, or go back.
Frodo: I cannot go back.

The path looks much more difficult than before, and yet I cannot go back because I am so close. Most of my choices this semester will determine my future for at least the next ten years. It is so big... possibly one of the largest set of decisions in my life so far. It is paralyzing, but apathy is not the proper response. I figure with how early this overwhelming sense is hitting me it has to be the work of discouragement. This fiend has always made sure that when I am down I stay down, but I say, not now! You will not stunt me in this crucial time for not only myself, but my friends and family as well. Go to the darkness where you belong, coward! My God is here and He does not share power!

Though, I have been discouraged I accidentally allowed another harasser to beat me senseless. I don't know what to call it or even if I should give it one name, but my emotions have run wild under my selfish intentions. I was angry to the point of almost saying something stupid to a group of people, I relaxed too much (even though I said I wasn't going to), and I carelessly juggled my heart. Relaxing was the mistake, but to be perfectly honest where I let my heart take me is what I am really thinking about. I've been here before and I know all too well how this feels and how it ends. It will end in pain. A pain which would stop me for a good amount of time. Just what the enemy desires for me. And so this is where my knowledge on such matters end because my only "loves" have been infatuations which ended in harsh reality. Though, I do believe the infatuation itself is not a sin, but where I take the infatuation may be. Like looking forward to the future, it is something which sounds innocent, but evil since it detaches me from God and on to something as feeble as the wind. This is why I was hurt in the past and how I can be hurt again. But how is it someone can become so beautiful and full of God where it can make me stop breathing, tremble nervously, or stutter when I had not before? Especially when it comes unexpectedly. Yes, I desire mutual love... so badly, but God will provide where an infatuation should not. Above all else I worry that my fall would be a sin as well since being rendered useless I would not be there for those who need Him through me. The enemy has surely found my weakness. This I know I cannot do alone, and because of this fact the enemy made a poor tactical decision. I will look to God. He will be me when I am not. I cannot go back. I will not go back!

Winter (Solitude)

Out of all the seasons Winter is not the least. It is in fact, necessary. That statement will probably get me shot, but hold on to your rifles for a moment. Winter to a lot of people resembles dead and cold, and at times I do believe it myself (when I'm here in Indiana). But oh, if you could only go north in the winter and see what winter is really like compared to mundane Indiana winters! We hardly get much of anything here.

It is a little obvious I like snow, winter, and cold weather. Even my blog motto references winter: Slow down. Freeze. Reflect. This, right here, is exactly why I write these blogs. In our lives we have seasons in which we:

Grow, Live, experience Hardship, and retreat to Solitude.

These seasons are all necessary in our lives. Take out one and you will find it difficult to live. The real seasons are a reminder to us of our own seasons. As much as a want to focus on all of them right now I realize it would take too long. So for the moment I want to discuss the beauty of God in winter.

Winter is cold, yes. Winter is harsh, yes. Winter is not fun, ...well, that's a matter of opinion. I believe winter as a season is like the desert to Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus. The desert was a place of unforgiving solitude, but there they found company with God because the lack of distractions around them. Tell me, have you ever just LISTENED outside after a fresh-fallen snow covered the ground? What do you hear? Nothing! It is pure silence, beautiful silence. It is God grabbing our attention! LISTEN! Even the animals obey when He commands a time of solitude. Question is: Why don't we? OK, all silence beside, we now have snow. Is there anything else in creation that is more pure!? It is the purification which covers us all. It is God saying "This is what I have done for you!" LOOK! Yet, we are frustrated it slows us. Then we have the cold. It is uncomfortable at times... that is the point. FEEL! However, we complain it is not warm enough. Wake up and pay attention! God is speaking! He is telling us to be still and recognize His sovereignty. This is solitude. This is all of creation acknowledging Him.

Dead Zone

I think it's funny how I perceive the seasons: Summer starts mid-may, fall begins at the start of September, and Winter begins in late November until Christmas and then I'm done. I think some of that influence has to do with school schedules and our own calendar. What is the most odd time of the year is this time. To me it is a period of not so many good things unlike the days leading up to Christmas when you just "feel good". I used to think Spring was my least favorite time of the year, but I believe I was wrong, it is this time. Not necessarily January but more of February once the excitement of Christmas fades and the stress of school sets in. Also the lack of Sunlight may have something to do with it... I'm not sure yet. The point is I'm afraid of loosing hope. Late fall brings laziness, but mid-winter brings some kind of very mild depression (I'm not even sure I want to call it that). However, it is another wave (like my laziness) I must turn my focus away from it lest I become like Peter sinking in it. So far He has pushed me to this point and I'm a bit frightened now. I stepped out of the boat and I'm miraculously walking on water! Though, many times I feel like one of little faith, and this seems a bigger test than the last. Yes, I know how this works, but somehow the more I grow, the bigger everything gets, and the more I must rely on Him. I'd say we become less independent as we mature in our faith. A stark contrast to what our corrupt old world likes to tell us.

Christian

Here is something I've been pondering for a long time: What does it mean to be Christian? I know the Sunday school answer, but the real answer cannot be so simple. It shifts as though it is living. On a basic level (which would encompass all Christians) we simply acknowledge Christ as our savior, and in many ways as we mature we must never forget this fundamental level. However, this is where I see many Christians stop. The next is to act upon our love for Christ or let His love act for us (it seems to be both at times). The problem with observing this "level" is the complexity of it. How much of ourselves should we truly give? I have the problem of hanging on to certain habits I think are "ok". This is the very essence of an American Christian, and this is why we have a hard time "giving all to God" so-to-speak. We are like the rich young man who wanted to be a disciple of Jesus, but couldn't give up his wealth. To be honest this is the dilemma I've seen in my church for several years now. This is why I question the definition of a Christian.

Whenever I have a question about how we should act I go to scripture. Jesus makes it quite clear "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Jesus says "life"... I'm no expert interpreter but I am pretty sure that means all of your life. The early church gave all of themselves to each other. They "shared" everything they had. They were a family. We experience this when we go on mission trips to places "less fortunate" than ours. The people are truly happy because they give all of themselves to each other and to God. I love and I want that. Why don't we really do that?

Christmas Time

I love this time of the year! Sometimes I feel like the only one who feels that mostly because the people I talk to are tired of the over-commercialized holiday or don't celebrate it. As a kid it was better than my birthday because it was mysterious and I got more presents, but all materialism aside I really did love the story behind it. As I become older and more knowledgeable I find out Santa Claus was only a saint in the Byzantine Empire who gave dowry gifts to young women so they would not become prostitutes. I'm not bashing his cause I think it was great, but where did we get off making this holiday mostly about him? Another disturbing question that arises is I'm not really sure of the exact date of the birth of Christ (not that it really matters). I've heard many different interesting points, but I will come back to what is important: Jesus was born and we celebrate it just like we take communion to remember His sacrifice. If I can get anything out of Christmas this year it is that God gave His boy for us as a gift. That kind of gift is not cheap. In the same way my family does not have much this year and neither do I. It is opposite of my childhood Christmas days, but really this is what Christ was all about: Giving a costly gift to those that you love. I really want to do that this Christmas.

Habit

This is going to be a short blog to satisfy my thoughts for a short while. I am disappointed I have not been writing as much as I'd like, and it feels like in some small way it affects me negatively. For few of you who read this you probably think that is odd and to tell you the truth so do I. You see I have no close friends. I feel as if I can't release my frustrations/thoughts/worries and it bottles up in a sense. I know I sound like some kind of recluse and I probably am. Although, I don't want to replace this blog with real human interaction. That was never my intention. I'm in a middle period in my life and as I've said before it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly hate it, but I would not have experienced God without all my pain. It's unfortunate and beautiful at the same time how struggles bring out the best in humanity.

My good habits have returned and I fully intend to keep them because those other abominations were bad company. And so, I come to my point. This blog is one of my good habits since it gives me a chance to solidify my thoughts to help myself and possibly help others get through this struggle called life. This is an open (and reluctant) invitation to keep me accountable to blog at least once a week (this sounds ridiculous). To talk about God I'm forced to reconcile which I do believe is a very good thing. Ugly things happen when I don't. Another good habit I love to have is this habit of just coming to God instead of waiting to be "good enough". It sounds elementary, but it is something I always had a hard time with. That is what happens when you are raised in church. The potential for that problem to return is very real and it revisited me this past week, hence the reason for this blog. I do realize though that this blog does really nothing for me, but it is God. He is the focus and the blog is the result. I believe it should always be this way.

Extremes

I do believe we are a complicated species. I should not be surprised I guess. The world ...no, the entire universe is complex in an awe-inspiring and physical sense. Not only is it complex, but everything in it has their own complexities. Everything works together to make something bigger. It is fragile. Almost like balancing on the tip of a needle. But I'm straying away from my original thought.

What I have been thinking about lately has to do with our complexity. I have found it ironic that although everything around us, even ourselves, and our thoughts are complex we still are simple-minded. Why is this? It seems that we cannot control our own complexities around us, and so we return to what we know to be safe or worse: we jump to extremes. Everyone does it. I do it. I see this decision process like a target: it is easy to shoot anywhere but the bulls eye. We know we can at least just hit the target. This applies to every decision and every action we take. Our judgments rely on our simple-minded behavior. Though many say this is a gray world we all treat is like it is black and white. Here is an example: Humanity is self-destructive, solution: destroy or control humanity. Some will say kill the corrupt leaders, but more will rise up. Some will say control is the answer, but the obvious is written in history. Few will say wipe out the human race, but no one wants to die.

Do you see the correlation here? Three solutions with problems because we think we can solve a complex problem with a simple answer (a simple shot). In reality, we can't hit the bulls eye because we do not know how to aim. Another example: Someone says something hurtful to another and to avoid the pain again this person shuts out all criticism (I've seen it). How will this person grow if he does not listen to his enemies AND his friends? He doesn't. Extremes, as I have seen, are a plague upon the human race. It is everywhere! Philosophies use it: utilitarianism (the greater good), old cynicism (non-materialistic), and skepticism (distrusting). Those are only extremes... half-truths. I was surprised to see that I do this in my hesitation and cowardice. I wait because I know it is safe and I know I will not take any risks, and more importantly I know I can just hit anywhere on the "target" in any situation. That is my extreme. Even physically too much food or too much exercise can be bad, but we know the actions themselves are stable. The old saying "everything in moderation" is turning out to be so true. So a conclusion I have come to is in some small way these extremes act as gods we worship. I know my introversion is a tangible foundation for me. I can always count on my introversion when I am in pain or worried, but is that not what God is exactly for?

I think (in my extreme decisions) it is Jesus (don't confuse Him with the church) that literally solves everything. He helps hit the bulls eye for us. As complex as everything is and as simple as this sounds it appears too easy, but I've seen the effect He has on people and I have no doubt it is Him we need. This is what we are here for. Our purpose. He is what makes us prosper instead of being self-destructive. I said earlier everything in the universe is complex, but I also have observed that everything relies on some kind of foundation. Without foundation the complexities will fall apart. God is that foundation not our extremes. The irony of it all is we can just rely on Him, and I believe that is why we are so simple-minded. We cannot solve our problems because we lack the ability to control our extremes.

Gods

I've wanted to blog so many times this week (more blogs will probably follow in the next few days), but my work and school have been overwhelming with trying to finish up before Thanksgiving break. Honestly, I think finals will be cake... wait, I know it will be cake because I just finished up some of my final papers and all I have to do are simple tests. The worst is behind me until next semester that is. I've done it. Believe it or not I'm very surprised at my capabilities this semester. This is the only week I had stress. Besides Tuesdays, which are crazy, this whole week I was stressed but I pulled it off. How? Quite simply, God. Even though the waters were rough with work, school, and just last night sexology with the high school students God still pulled me through. I have mentioned this before in my laziness blog, but the limits of my motivation to do my best has long past and God remains. Incredible.

Right now I'm thinking "what's next?" Well, the holidays are upon us and chillaxin' will be to the extreme. That worries me. When I'm tired, I shut down. When I'm tired of school, I shut down for a good while like for about a month or longer. This also means I shut down spiritually. I don't really know why, and I have long observed it without any real conclusions. Worshiping God in the struggles does not seems very hard since He is all I really have, but when I have everything and more at my fingertips I bid Him farewell in favor of my selfish entertainment. I honestly hate the fact I have a difficult time looking to Him when things are going good. It is not that I purposefully mean to shirk Him away it's just my physical rest has been met and therefore such similar needs or wants speak louder than Him. Linking your spiritual self with your physical self is very dangerous. Yes, there are metaphors in which the physical represents the spiritual, but that is as far as it should go. Spiritually should be the priority or more specifically God should be the priority. I have found that when I let God control me the physical wants and even needs almost disappear as if He is everything we need. However, when I taste the goodness of physicality again I forget the goodness of the spirit. I have no doubt this is where matters of faith apply. We are too weak. I'm too weak to balance both. This is why Jesus told the rich young man to go home and sell all of his possesions. He could not house both gods. What this really all comes down to are gods/idols. Mine just so happens to be entertainment and relaxation. I look forward to facing off with this during beak in December. God is on my side.

23

Today I turn 23. Quite honestly, 23 is a huge difference from 22 to me. First of all 22 is almost like 21, still riding on the coat-tails of young freedom. 23 however, is a sobering reality that is quite frightening. I really am an adult. I am not growing up anymore I am as grown up as I am going to be. I have more responsibilities and will continue to receive more responsibilities. Yeah, I'm still young I know that, but it feels to me like the best has past in terms of health. I am legitimately scared of health problems. Mostly because I've seen it firsthand with my family. Back problems and vision failure scare me the most. I know it sounds ridiculous that I am scared of something that will fade anyway, but I would not be human if I was not afraid. I am an artist and I rely on my sight HEAVILY. Going blind is one of my greatest fears (not that I will in the near future), and having poor sight is not far behind it. Although, 40 is when my sight should really begin to deteriorate it is only 17 years away. 17!!! That is less than the years I have already lived! And it feels like 23 years blew right by.

What am I really afraid of though? Loosing my "youth" so to speak is only a facade for the real fear: depravity. I don't want my best to be behind me. No one does. Really though, as simple and silly as this may sound it is like building a house on sand. Our bodies are bound to fail, and our lives will become more difficult. What use is there placing my worries on that? And so I come to the realization that I have been duped. My demons have again taken advantage of my fears. They really do not give up, but neither does God.

Last Thursday He was preparing me for this very challenge. I did not know at the time, and quite frankly, it frustrated me. As I headed to work on that morning my car decided to quit. Turned out my fuel pump had died (it pumps the fuel into the engine which is also the equivalent of a heart). As I sat there waiting I was thinking "I just bought this car and now it dies. Man, this is not fair" I was frustrated. I knew God was saying something yet I was so upset with my inconsistency to fully realize it. Then it clicked. I had twittered my realization later that day that said, "I do not deserve what I have been given therefore, what right do I have to complain?". I was caught up in my own frustration to realize this simple truth: God lasts. He is also consistent. What we have received are only blessings not hard-earned well-deserved rewards... they are blessings. We do not deserve anything. Not even our very lives. In that mentality, who am I to worry about what is not mine? A wise man once told me, "God gives and God takes" Realizing you have no ownership is a difficult reality, but it is a necessary one.

Decisions

Recently I have been dealing with some huge decisions such as: finding a new car (which God had so kindly presented it to me and I now have.), managing my money to make payments, and pondering what I should do after I graduate in the spring. All of these decisions are very prominent in my life right now, but the most unknown and irritating one of all is where I'll be next year.

I'm the kind of guy that will get overwhelmed easily when I look at the big picture which is why I don't usually do such things. I like to take things one at a time and when something comes up I focus on it then. Granted, there are things I have to think about in advance, but the approach is still the same. However, this question is boring into my brain. I have been attending Ivy Tech and majoring in Visual Communications, but at Ivy Tech the farthest I can go is with my associate's degree. It's a two-year school and this will be my fifth year there. Part of that is I changed my major, I was working to pay for tuition, I have failed only a few classes (dropped out), and I was only taking 12 credit hours a semester. But now I'm almost done and the question remains: what now? Well, quite honestly I want to get my bachelor's. I do not want to end up without a job someday because I only have experience and no bachelor's (and I've seen it happen). I also am tired of Indy. For five years I have commuted and worked my butt off to make it by just so I could work some more, and quite honestly, I'm tired of it. Another downside about living at home: it's lonely. In my entire life I have never experienced so much pain and discouragement as I have in these past five years. I have no friends to talk to about what is going on in my life. I have no one to relate to so I keep things to myself. Even though I am somewhat of an introvert, I realize no one should ever be alone. We are beings created to fellowship. Our relationship with God is a fellowship. Why do you think solitary confinement is so effective? Cut off the oxygen and watch them suffocate.

Although these factors are screaming at me for a change I cannot let my guard down now. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and I know I have to be careful when making this decision. What it comes down to is this: I have been looking at universities for similar degrees to that of mine so I can seamlessly transfer. The ironic part is the only university I have found close to home with such a degree is Indiana Wesleyan University. It is ironic because I have been visiting my friends there since I graduated high school and I still continue to visit from time to time. I really love the campus. I am also very familiar with the campus and Marion (since my grandmother lived there and my dad grew up there). That also means I know all the bad things about the campus: the strict beliefs, tuition, and the people. The tuition is the very thing I have been proud to avoid in the past few years, and if I give in and get my bachelor's you can bet I'll be paying off tuition for ten years or more. Not cool.

So here I am at a crossroads of decisions that I never imagined during the summer. I most definitely never even imagined considering IWU as a school to attend, mostly because it did not have the Computer Graphics major a few years ago. My friends begged me to go for years now, and here I am actually thinking about it. Yes, I am excited, but I am very wary right now. I feel as if something bad should happen because this is too good to be true (minus the tuition), but I also thought getting my job back and finding a new car (minus the payments) was too good to be true. Should I seriously consider this? I have never moved from here in my entire life. I would miss Noblesville and the youth at White River like crazy, but I would have a social life again (friends my age... well, close to), I would have much more freedom, and probably a lot less worries. It is so enticing like smelling delicious food on the table while you sit there starving. I want it so bad, but yet I hesitate. I need to be wise now.

Anger

There are a few things that really make me angry: when helpless people are taken advantage of, when Christians misrepresent Christ (which I am to blame for at times too), and when people think they have no responsibility/need to get away/go to college/start their "life". The latter is what I began thinking about again last night while talking with someone, mostly pertaining to young women. If there is one thing I have learned about women it's when love and that "one" guy comes into play, nothing will deter them. I have commonly made the joke that girls who go to college go to get their MRS degree, but such comments were made out of frustration and anger. Just bear with me here I am not writing this as a rant. I do have a point.

I got angry again. The frustration came back and told me it was not fair that these girls do not care about you. Discouragement told me that I was useless in my efforts. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never kissed, and apparently my demons tell me I will never have a chance. It's a bit embarrassing at times when I become the butt of jokes. I think "why?". Is it something I have done? Is it who I am? Is it my last name or because I am tall? Then I begin thinking it's the girls that go off to college completely forgetting the possibility of a relationship with a guy back home. I liked, I talked, and I hung out two great Christian girls who I thought liked me too did exactly this , and now it has made me bitter. It made me feel unwanted and lonely. I thought I was a "good" Christian guy, but no, I guess the ones at college are better. This frustration has only begun in my college years because I still live at home and everyone left. It still haunts me from time to time and last night during a discussion it struck at me again. I have a slight crush on a girl at the moment(I'm not sure if I should be admitting this), and these thoughts only began to discourage me yet again.

Lies! All of my thoughts have not been my own! Demons tearing me down yet again! This entire week my old "friends" have been trying to bring me down. First it was apathy, then laziness, and now this. They do not stop! It is like drifting off to sleep thinking you are still awake. I was made fun of/taken advantage of as a kid, and now I hate to see others receive this (this anger is now legitimate because I do it to protect others but at one time it was for myself). The Christians who misrepresent Christ (yeah I wish everyone can do the "right thing", but it does not exclude me. Therefore, it was for myself). And finally, girls who have their mind set on college and guys at college (This is purely me. I do not absolutely "need" a relationship. I just want to be noticed and loved. It was for myself)

Do you see the pattern? All of my anger began or is about me, me, me. I do not have my way therefore, I become angry. I am so selfish. Anger tricked me into believing it's not me it's those idiots that are not doing things right. No, it's me. I cared about what I wanted instead of what God wanted. This is the same reason why things such as revenge are wrong. I am also saying God is not enough for me. How selfish am I? Anger is about us. It cares only to right what was wrong doing it our way, but anger is not all bad. God becomes angry when He sees us suffer from our sin. He hates sin. Quite honestly, I think I would like to be with Him on this. The only thing I experience from my anger is more anger, and eventually, I just eat at myself until there is nothing much left. If there is anything I should be angry about it is my own sin.

Laziness

It's about that time of the year / semester /midterm, where my motivation goes on vacation until mid-spring. I do not know why... well actually I do. I get overwhelmed. School, Work, Church, Christmas, and lack of friends to really talk to is discouraging. Bears call it hibernation, Seniors call it Senioritis, and I call it laziness. Yes, laziness. You are probably thinking like being tired and overwhelmed and just sitting around doing nothing. That is a part of what I'm talking about, but mostly I am talking about where the desire to be lazy is coming from.

A psychologist once analyzed me and told me I had ADD. Not the hyper kind, but the daydream kind. I believed it. I always thought I had motivational issues because I have a hard time telling myself to do something and then actually do it. I recently have discovered I have been battling laziness most of my life. I even made decisions based off of the premise that I have no motivation. For example: There is no way I can get married because I have no "motivation" (or do not have the same "motivation" as my parents) to keep things running when it gets tough. So I settle for the minimum only to realize that the minimum I still have to do stuff. All the while lowering standards of excellence leading to a larger lack of motivation. Then I realized something simple: This is me talking. "Can't keep things running when it gets tough."? What am I saying!? I can't complete life therefore I will not try!? It is like giving up on exercise before your muscles begin to burn. What use is that? How will I become stronger? No, apathy and laziness are paths to weakness as I have realized. The biggest lie I have believed my whole life is now showing it's face and it is so hideous. This leech has fooled me into giving up so many times. Laziness tricked me into believing the problem was too big for me to handle. That is the exact opposite of what God is about.

Around this time of the year when I am weary, Laziness tells me to relax just a bit because I worked hard. Then he slowly lowers my standard until I'm below trying. That is how our demons work, slowly. Too slow for us to notice something wrong. So slow that I gave up on things that mattered to me like art, music, and youth group for a time. I'm tired of this crap, and I'm tired of excuses that hide behind so-called "disorders". I think demons hide in unlikely places, but I also think God is bigger than our problems and He can heal anything. I know this because I am not weary, but determined. I am a bit surprised I have not given up yet or felt the pangs of exhaustion. I feel like Indiana Jones taking the leap of faith and realizing I am not falling to my doom, but moving forward closer to the grail. It is wonderful. It is miraculous. It is where my strength ends and God takes over. He really can do anything.

Hosea 11:9

Skepticism was trying to slit my throat again this week, and he picked a very good day to try it... Tuesday. The day that is by far my busiest and toughest day. The day that I'm vulnerable. Yesterday was a hard battle not only with my work, but with myself. Skepticism hated me for finding this verse, and I was glad to hit him with it all day yesterday (it's a verse that spoke to me and oddly enough as I realized after the fact 11:9 is my birthday. Not that it means anything I just thought it was cool. haha):

will not carry out my fierce anger,
nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man—
the Holy One among you.
I will not come in wrath.
Hosea 11:9

God is NOT like us. We did wrong to Him, but He held back His justice. A perfect God... holds back justice? that is ridiculous! I guarantee if someone did some wrong to you in turn you would want justice or revenge. On top of holding out on justice, He then shows us grace and compassion by dying for us. So we have the chance to be more like Him. That just proves how complex and amazing He is. No, God is not like us, and thus He is not subject to humanly assumptions placed on Him. He is holy. He is love. Nothing else on this planet can match that. Nothing.

I've always thought this is a good skit about God's love for us and our desire to be like and with Him:

Be Like Children

I feel like I have amnesia. Now I am slowly remembering all the little things I did as a teenager with my relationship with God. This transition into adulthood has been quite an experience for sure with some very hard moments leaving me with a cynical mind. I knew though, I did not want it and I have always remembered the words of Jesus "Unless you are like the children you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven." That has always been prominent in my thoughts as I slowly saw myself changing. Before I knew it I was a different person than my former teenage self. In some ways that is a good thing, but when it comes to being passionate or unafraid in decisions I had lost those. What I have observed from adults (and myself becoming one) is that we are afraid. Honestly, I am using the word afraid very generally. Afraid in a sense that adults are trying to be "smart" about not making the same mistake twice. It is a human thing, a natural thing for sure. I am not by any means saying that the adult mind is incorrect in its function. As humans we like to be extreme in our decisions... especially when it comes to pain.

No one likes pain, I sure do not like it. What I have noticed though, is there are good things in pain too. Necessary things. We as humans do not have the foresight to see what is happening long term, and because of that we base our decisions off of pain and happiness. It is quite ridiculous really. Pain and happiness are temporary. You see, teenagers and children have not experienced this yet. They do not know that there is always pain or happiness in decisions. As an adult I feel at a disadvantage because I have experienced pain, and pain can dictate my decisions. Adults argue and hesitate, but children give all of themselves without hesitation. Ironically, it is children who are unafraid in making decisions, not adults. Jesus was simplifying it for us because we like to be so complex. He wants us to be passionate, excited, and unafraid... like children.