I do believe we are a complicated species. I should not be surprised I guess. The world ...no, the entire universe is complex in an awe-inspiring and physical sense. Not only is it complex, but everything in it has their own complexities. Everything works together to make something bigger. It is fragile. Almost like balancing on the tip of a needle. But I'm straying away from my original thought.
What I have been thinking about lately has to do with our complexity. I have found it ironic that although everything around us, even ourselves, and our thoughts are complex we still are simple-minded. Why is this? It seems that we cannot control our own complexities around us, and so we return to what we know to be safe or worse: we jump to extremes. Everyone does it. I do it. I see this decision process like a target: it is easy to shoot anywhere but the bulls eye. We know we can at least just hit the target. This applies to every decision and every action we take. Our judgments rely on our simple-minded behavior. Though many say this is a gray world we all treat is like it is black and white. Here is an example: Humanity is self-destructive, solution: destroy or control humanity. Some will say kill the corrupt leaders, but more will rise up. Some will say control is the answer, but the obvious is written in history. Few will say wipe out the human race, but no one wants to die.
Do you see the correlation here? Three solutions with problems because we think we can solve a complex problem with a simple answer (a simple shot). In reality, we can't hit the bulls eye because we do not know how to aim. Another example: Someone says something hurtful to another and to avoid the pain again this person shuts out all criticism (I've seen it). How will this person grow if he does not listen to his enemies AND his friends? He doesn't. Extremes, as I have seen, are a plague upon the human race. It is everywhere! Philosophies use it: utilitarianism (the greater good), old cynicism (non-materialistic), and skepticism (distrusting). Those are only extremes... half-truths. I was surprised to see that I do this in my hesitation and cowardice. I wait because I know it is safe and I know I will not take any risks, and more importantly I know I can just hit anywhere on the "target" in any situation. That is my extreme. Even physically too much food or too much exercise can be bad, but we know the actions themselves are stable. The old saying "everything in moderation" is turning out to be so true. So a conclusion I have come to is in some small way these extremes act as gods we worship. I know my introversion is a tangible foundation for me. I can always count on my introversion when I am in pain or worried, but is that not what God is exactly for?
I think (in my extreme decisions) it is Jesus (don't confuse Him with the church) that literally solves everything. He helps hit the bulls eye for us. As complex as everything is and as simple as this sounds it appears too easy, but I've seen the effect He has on people and I have no doubt it is Him we need. This is what we are here for. Our purpose. He is what makes us prosper instead of being self-destructive. I said earlier everything in the universe is complex, but I also have observed that everything relies on some kind of foundation. Without foundation the complexities will fall apart. God is that foundation not our extremes. The irony of it all is we can just rely on Him, and I believe that is why we are so simple-minded. We cannot solve our problems because we lack the ability to control our extremes.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Gods
I've wanted to blog so many times this week (more blogs will probably follow in the next few days), but my work and school have been overwhelming with trying to finish up before Thanksgiving break. Honestly, I think finals will be cake... wait, I know it will be cake because I just finished up some of my final papers and all I have to do are simple tests. The worst is behind me until next semester that is. I've done it. Believe it or not I'm very surprised at my capabilities this semester. This is the only week I had stress. Besides Tuesdays, which are crazy, this whole week I was stressed but I pulled it off. How? Quite simply, God. Even though the waters were rough with work, school, and just last night sexology with the high school students God still pulled me through. I have mentioned this before in my laziness blog, but the limits of my motivation to do my best has long past and God remains. Incredible.
Right now I'm thinking "what's next?" Well, the holidays are upon us and chillaxin' will be to the extreme. That worries me. When I'm tired, I shut down. When I'm tired of school, I shut down for a good while like for about a month or longer. This also means I shut down spiritually. I don't really know why, and I have long observed it without any real conclusions. Worshiping God in the struggles does not seems very hard since He is all I really have, but when I have everything and more at my fingertips I bid Him farewell in favor of my selfish entertainment. I honestly hate the fact I have a difficult time looking to Him when things are going good. It is not that I purposefully mean to shirk Him away it's just my physical rest has been met and therefore such similar needs or wants speak louder than Him. Linking your spiritual self with your physical self is very dangerous. Yes, there are metaphors in which the physical represents the spiritual, but that is as far as it should go. Spiritually should be the priority or more specifically God should be the priority. I have found that when I let God control me the physical wants and even needs almost disappear as if He is everything we need. However, when I taste the goodness of physicality again I forget the goodness of the spirit. I have no doubt this is where matters of faith apply. We are too weak. I'm too weak to balance both. This is why Jesus told the rich young man to go home and sell all of his possesions. He could not house both gods. What this really all comes down to are gods/idols. Mine just so happens to be entertainment and relaxation. I look forward to facing off with this during beak in December. God is on my side.
Right now I'm thinking "what's next?" Well, the holidays are upon us and chillaxin' will be to the extreme. That worries me. When I'm tired, I shut down. When I'm tired of school, I shut down for a good while like for about a month or longer. This also means I shut down spiritually. I don't really know why, and I have long observed it without any real conclusions. Worshiping God in the struggles does not seems very hard since He is all I really have, but when I have everything and more at my fingertips I bid Him farewell in favor of my selfish entertainment. I honestly hate the fact I have a difficult time looking to Him when things are going good. It is not that I purposefully mean to shirk Him away it's just my physical rest has been met and therefore such similar needs or wants speak louder than Him. Linking your spiritual self with your physical self is very dangerous. Yes, there are metaphors in which the physical represents the spiritual, but that is as far as it should go. Spiritually should be the priority or more specifically God should be the priority. I have found that when I let God control me the physical wants and even needs almost disappear as if He is everything we need. However, when I taste the goodness of physicality again I forget the goodness of the spirit. I have no doubt this is where matters of faith apply. We are too weak. I'm too weak to balance both. This is why Jesus told the rich young man to go home and sell all of his possesions. He could not house both gods. What this really all comes down to are gods/idols. Mine just so happens to be entertainment and relaxation. I look forward to facing off with this during beak in December. God is on my side.
Monday, November 9, 2009
23
Today I turn 23. Quite honestly, 23 is a huge difference from 22 to me. First of all 22 is almost like 21, still riding on the coat-tails of young freedom. 23 however, is a sobering reality that is quite frightening. I really am an adult. I am not growing up anymore I am as grown up as I am going to be. I have more responsibilities and will continue to receive more responsibilities. Yeah, I'm still young I know that, but it feels to me like the best has past in terms of health. I am legitimately scared of health problems. Mostly because I've seen it firsthand with my family. Back problems and vision failure scare me the most. I know it sounds ridiculous that I am scared of something that will fade anyway, but I would not be human if I was not afraid. I am an artist and I rely on my sight HEAVILY. Going blind is one of my greatest fears (not that I will in the near future), and having poor sight is not far behind it. Although, 40 is when my sight should really begin to deteriorate it is only 17 years away. 17!!! That is less than the years I have already lived! And it feels like 23 years blew right by.
What am I really afraid of though? Loosing my "youth" so to speak is only a facade for the real fear: depravity. I don't want my best to be behind me. No one does. Really though, as simple and silly as this may sound it is like building a house on sand. Our bodies are bound to fail, and our lives will become more difficult. What use is there placing my worries on that? And so I come to the realization that I have been duped. My demons have again taken advantage of my fears. They really do not give up, but neither does God.
Last Thursday He was preparing me for this very challenge. I did not know at the time, and quite frankly, it frustrated me. As I headed to work on that morning my car decided to quit. Turned out my fuel pump had died (it pumps the fuel into the engine which is also the equivalent of a heart). As I sat there waiting I was thinking "I just bought this car and now it dies. Man, this is not fair" I was frustrated. I knew God was saying something yet I was so upset with my inconsistency to fully realize it. Then it clicked. I had twittered my realization later that day that said, "I do not deserve what I have been given therefore, what right do I have to complain?". I was caught up in my own frustration to realize this simple truth: God lasts. He is also consistent. What we have received are only blessings not hard-earned well-deserved rewards... they are blessings. We do not deserve anything. Not even our very lives. In that mentality, who am I to worry about what is not mine? A wise man once told me, "God gives and God takes" Realizing you have no ownership is a difficult reality, but it is a necessary one.
What am I really afraid of though? Loosing my "youth" so to speak is only a facade for the real fear: depravity. I don't want my best to be behind me. No one does. Really though, as simple and silly as this may sound it is like building a house on sand. Our bodies are bound to fail, and our lives will become more difficult. What use is there placing my worries on that? And so I come to the realization that I have been duped. My demons have again taken advantage of my fears. They really do not give up, but neither does God.
Last Thursday He was preparing me for this very challenge. I did not know at the time, and quite frankly, it frustrated me. As I headed to work on that morning my car decided to quit. Turned out my fuel pump had died (it pumps the fuel into the engine which is also the equivalent of a heart). As I sat there waiting I was thinking "I just bought this car and now it dies. Man, this is not fair" I was frustrated. I knew God was saying something yet I was so upset with my inconsistency to fully realize it. Then it clicked. I had twittered my realization later that day that said, "I do not deserve what I have been given therefore, what right do I have to complain?". I was caught up in my own frustration to realize this simple truth: God lasts. He is also consistent. What we have received are only blessings not hard-earned well-deserved rewards... they are blessings. We do not deserve anything. Not even our very lives. In that mentality, who am I to worry about what is not mine? A wise man once told me, "God gives and God takes" Realizing you have no ownership is a difficult reality, but it is a necessary one.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Decisions
Recently I have been dealing with some huge decisions such as: finding a new car (which God had so kindly presented it to me and I now have.), managing my money to make payments, and pondering what I should do after I graduate in the spring. All of these decisions are very prominent in my life right now, but the most unknown and irritating one of all is where I'll be next year.
I'm the kind of guy that will get overwhelmed easily when I look at the big picture which is why I don't usually do such things. I like to take things one at a time and when something comes up I focus on it then. Granted, there are things I have to think about in advance, but the approach is still the same. However, this question is boring into my brain. I have been attending Ivy Tech and majoring in Visual Communications, but at Ivy Tech the farthest I can go is with my associate's degree. It's a two-year school and this will be my fifth year there. Part of that is I changed my major, I was working to pay for tuition, I have failed only a few classes (dropped out), and I was only taking 12 credit hours a semester. But now I'm almost done and the question remains: what now? Well, quite honestly I want to get my bachelor's. I do not want to end up without a job someday because I only have experience and no bachelor's (and I've seen it happen). I also am tired of Indy. For five years I have commuted and worked my butt off to make it by just so I could work some more, and quite honestly, I'm tired of it. Another downside about living at home: it's lonely. In my entire life I have never experienced so much pain and discouragement as I have in these past five years. I have no friends to talk to about what is going on in my life. I have no one to relate to so I keep things to myself. Even though I am somewhat of an introvert, I realize no one should ever be alone. We are beings created to fellowship. Our relationship with God is a fellowship. Why do you think solitary confinement is so effective? Cut off the oxygen and watch them suffocate.
Although these factors are screaming at me for a change I cannot let my guard down now. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and I know I have to be careful when making this decision. What it comes down to is this: I have been looking at universities for similar degrees to that of mine so I can seamlessly transfer. The ironic part is the only university I have found close to home with such a degree is Indiana Wesleyan University. It is ironic because I have been visiting my friends there since I graduated high school and I still continue to visit from time to time. I really love the campus. I am also very familiar with the campus and Marion (since my grandmother lived there and my dad grew up there). That also means I know all the bad things about the campus: the strict beliefs, tuition, and the people. The tuition is the very thing I have been proud to avoid in the past few years, and if I give in and get my bachelor's you can bet I'll be paying off tuition for ten years or more. Not cool.
So here I am at a crossroads of decisions that I never imagined during the summer. I most definitely never even imagined considering IWU as a school to attend, mostly because it did not have the Computer Graphics major a few years ago. My friends begged me to go for years now, and here I am actually thinking about it. Yes, I am excited, but I am very wary right now. I feel as if something bad should happen because this is too good to be true (minus the tuition), but I also thought getting my job back and finding a new car (minus the payments) was too good to be true. Should I seriously consider this? I have never moved from here in my entire life. I would miss Noblesville and the youth at White River like crazy, but I would have a social life again (friends my age... well, close to), I would have much more freedom, and probably a lot less worries. It is so enticing like smelling delicious food on the table while you sit there starving. I want it so bad, but yet I hesitate. I need to be wise now.
I'm the kind of guy that will get overwhelmed easily when I look at the big picture which is why I don't usually do such things. I like to take things one at a time and when something comes up I focus on it then. Granted, there are things I have to think about in advance, but the approach is still the same. However, this question is boring into my brain. I have been attending Ivy Tech and majoring in Visual Communications, but at Ivy Tech the farthest I can go is with my associate's degree. It's a two-year school and this will be my fifth year there. Part of that is I changed my major, I was working to pay for tuition, I have failed only a few classes (dropped out), and I was only taking 12 credit hours a semester. But now I'm almost done and the question remains: what now? Well, quite honestly I want to get my bachelor's. I do not want to end up without a job someday because I only have experience and no bachelor's (and I've seen it happen). I also am tired of Indy. For five years I have commuted and worked my butt off to make it by just so I could work some more, and quite honestly, I'm tired of it. Another downside about living at home: it's lonely. In my entire life I have never experienced so much pain and discouragement as I have in these past five years. I have no friends to talk to about what is going on in my life. I have no one to relate to so I keep things to myself. Even though I am somewhat of an introvert, I realize no one should ever be alone. We are beings created to fellowship. Our relationship with God is a fellowship. Why do you think solitary confinement is so effective? Cut off the oxygen and watch them suffocate.
Although these factors are screaming at me for a change I cannot let my guard down now. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and I know I have to be careful when making this decision. What it comes down to is this: I have been looking at universities for similar degrees to that of mine so I can seamlessly transfer. The ironic part is the only university I have found close to home with such a degree is Indiana Wesleyan University. It is ironic because I have been visiting my friends there since I graduated high school and I still continue to visit from time to time. I really love the campus. I am also very familiar with the campus and Marion (since my grandmother lived there and my dad grew up there). That also means I know all the bad things about the campus: the strict beliefs, tuition, and the people. The tuition is the very thing I have been proud to avoid in the past few years, and if I give in and get my bachelor's you can bet I'll be paying off tuition for ten years or more. Not cool.
So here I am at a crossroads of decisions that I never imagined during the summer. I most definitely never even imagined considering IWU as a school to attend, mostly because it did not have the Computer Graphics major a few years ago. My friends begged me to go for years now, and here I am actually thinking about it. Yes, I am excited, but I am very wary right now. I feel as if something bad should happen because this is too good to be true (minus the tuition), but I also thought getting my job back and finding a new car (minus the payments) was too good to be true. Should I seriously consider this? I have never moved from here in my entire life. I would miss Noblesville and the youth at White River like crazy, but I would have a social life again (friends my age... well, close to), I would have much more freedom, and probably a lot less worries. It is so enticing like smelling delicious food on the table while you sit there starving. I want it so bad, but yet I hesitate. I need to be wise now.
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