Overwhelming

It's obvious I have a lot hitting me right now, but how I've chosen to react has been childish. Good thing is I've been able to shake it off and hand my worries to God. It took me a couple of weeks to regain my composure. I also realize for about a month now I have not wrote, but writing is only a very small factor in keeping me sane.

A lot is going on which is both good and bad. The good is the innumerable blessings God has put and is putting into my life. The bad right now is the enemy trying to overwhelm me by using fear and worry. However, I recently found out more bad news this morning. I know I've made it clear one direction I am planning to take was to go to Indiana Wesleyan to complete my bachelor's degree. Some of the good news is I was recently accepted and all of my paperwork has been going smoothly. I had always kept in mind the possibility of not attending IWU in which I would default to my original plan of staying here and beginning my career. This plan is an easier route financially because I would not be in debt, in fact, I would actually be making good money which would solve several of my problems. The problem is finding the time and energy to get my bachelor's. I want to get my bachelor's degree (this is a constant). The problem with IWU would be the opposite: I will have no money, but all the time and energy to achieve my bachelor's degree. Either way I would be willing to sacrifice... I think.

My portfolio course this semester requires everyone to present their portfolios in front of professionals in the graphic design and media industries. I do not mean to sound boastful when I say this, but I have had much experience in the field and many good pieces of work that WILL land me a job. I don't doubt this at all. If I want to go to IWU I will have to turn down a job. This is what scares me: My father believes I should start my career in May and stick with it. He wants me to get my bachelor's degree by taking night courses no matter how long it takes. He has also told me I have about a 90% chance I won't attend IWU because of not getting enough loans. On top of it all I am coming very close to having no work again because of a lack of work. This summer I probably will not have a job which convinces my father all the more I should just begin my career. Right now it seems I do not have a choice. I AM convinced I will never get my bachelor's if I take this route. I will try but I will not get it. This is what my father did... and he still only has an associate's degree. Like I said already: getting a bachelor's degree is a constant. It's my goal before I begin any work.

The fact is, I figured Indiana Wesleyan was too good to be true. It's ok if I don't go I just wish God will provide some way for me to still achieve my bachelor's degree soon and not in five years (I figured that's what He was doing with IWU, but I could have been wrong. It probably was all for me). I also don't want to kill myself over school and work like I'm already doing. That's all I want.

Impossibility

I realize that I just posted a blog yesterday, but I got an answer to one of my worries: I am missing a class to graduate and will have to take one this semester. Good thing is there was one open starting March 15 which would make it a 8 or 7 week class. Bad thing is 8 week courses cram 16 weeks into 8 weeks, it is on Mondays and Wednesdays after a full day of work in the evening (which means my freshmen/sophomore guys bible study will most likely have to move if I will still lead it), and let us not forget it is already difficult to juggle 12 credit hours (of some of my hardest classes yet) and 32 hours of work a week let alone now 15 credit hours. Oh yeah, I also have no idea how I'm going to pay for this. It isn't just a worry anymore, this is an impossibility. This... is... completely ridiculous. I'm feeling like Gideon right now. God is telling me I have too many men to fight the Midianites. I'm not comfortable at all with this plan, but if God can make 300 Israelites defeat an innumerable amount of Midianites I suppose He can do this too. It's just crazy that's all.

Worry

A lot of things just hit me today. My desk moved (again) right next to my boss at work, my portfolio review is tomorrow, I may be missing a class for graduation and will most likely take on an 8 week course (adding to my current heavy workload), and my time is running out for applying to colleges for a bachelor's. Ironically, it really is not a problem. I can deal with this. This change... or should I say uncertainty is what I fear and worry about most. It is difficult for me to deal with the sudden change of scenery in my plans. It feels like someone taking the foundation out from under me. Most of this is amplified by my demons telling me I cannot handle the situation, but God clearly says He will take care of me. I know this and I am at peace with a few things. Although, there are some things I am holding onto which makes me feel uneasy. I hate how I complicate what has been made simple. If I manage to make God the God over all aspects of my life then I will have no need for worry. That is because worry is the product of uncertainty and lack of control, not of God. How amazing is it that He disperses the clouds of worry, and makes everything alright.