Anger

There are a few things that really make me angry: when helpless people are taken advantage of, when Christians misrepresent Christ (which I am to blame for at times too), and when people think they have no responsibility/need to get away/go to college/start their "life". The latter is what I began thinking about again last night while talking with someone, mostly pertaining to young women. If there is one thing I have learned about women it's when love and that "one" guy comes into play, nothing will deter them. I have commonly made the joke that girls who go to college go to get their MRS degree, but such comments were made out of frustration and anger. Just bear with me here I am not writing this as a rant. I do have a point.

I got angry again. The frustration came back and told me it was not fair that these girls do not care about you. Discouragement told me that I was useless in my efforts. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never kissed, and apparently my demons tell me I will never have a chance. It's a bit embarrassing at times when I become the butt of jokes. I think "why?". Is it something I have done? Is it who I am? Is it my last name or because I am tall? Then I begin thinking it's the girls that go off to college completely forgetting the possibility of a relationship with a guy back home. I liked, I talked, and I hung out two great Christian girls who I thought liked me too did exactly this , and now it has made me bitter. It made me feel unwanted and lonely. I thought I was a "good" Christian guy, but no, I guess the ones at college are better. This frustration has only begun in my college years because I still live at home and everyone left. It still haunts me from time to time and last night during a discussion it struck at me again. I have a slight crush on a girl at the moment(I'm not sure if I should be admitting this), and these thoughts only began to discourage me yet again.

Lies! All of my thoughts have not been my own! Demons tearing me down yet again! This entire week my old "friends" have been trying to bring me down. First it was apathy, then laziness, and now this. They do not stop! It is like drifting off to sleep thinking you are still awake. I was made fun of/taken advantage of as a kid, and now I hate to see others receive this (this anger is now legitimate because I do it to protect others but at one time it was for myself). The Christians who misrepresent Christ (yeah I wish everyone can do the "right thing", but it does not exclude me. Therefore, it was for myself). And finally, girls who have their mind set on college and guys at college (This is purely me. I do not absolutely "need" a relationship. I just want to be noticed and loved. It was for myself)

Do you see the pattern? All of my anger began or is about me, me, me. I do not have my way therefore, I become angry. I am so selfish. Anger tricked me into believing it's not me it's those idiots that are not doing things right. No, it's me. I cared about what I wanted instead of what God wanted. This is the same reason why things such as revenge are wrong. I am also saying God is not enough for me. How selfish am I? Anger is about us. It cares only to right what was wrong doing it our way, but anger is not all bad. God becomes angry when He sees us suffer from our sin. He hates sin. Quite honestly, I think I would like to be with Him on this. The only thing I experience from my anger is more anger, and eventually, I just eat at myself until there is nothing much left. If there is anything I should be angry about it is my own sin.

Laziness

It's about that time of the year / semester /midterm, where my motivation goes on vacation until mid-spring. I do not know why... well actually I do. I get overwhelmed. School, Work, Church, Christmas, and lack of friends to really talk to is discouraging. Bears call it hibernation, Seniors call it Senioritis, and I call it laziness. Yes, laziness. You are probably thinking like being tired and overwhelmed and just sitting around doing nothing. That is a part of what I'm talking about, but mostly I am talking about where the desire to be lazy is coming from.

A psychologist once analyzed me and told me I had ADD. Not the hyper kind, but the daydream kind. I believed it. I always thought I had motivational issues because I have a hard time telling myself to do something and then actually do it. I recently have discovered I have been battling laziness most of my life. I even made decisions based off of the premise that I have no motivation. For example: There is no way I can get married because I have no "motivation" (or do not have the same "motivation" as my parents) to keep things running when it gets tough. So I settle for the minimum only to realize that the minimum I still have to do stuff. All the while lowering standards of excellence leading to a larger lack of motivation. Then I realized something simple: This is me talking. "Can't keep things running when it gets tough."? What am I saying!? I can't complete life therefore I will not try!? It is like giving up on exercise before your muscles begin to burn. What use is that? How will I become stronger? No, apathy and laziness are paths to weakness as I have realized. The biggest lie I have believed my whole life is now showing it's face and it is so hideous. This leech has fooled me into giving up so many times. Laziness tricked me into believing the problem was too big for me to handle. That is the exact opposite of what God is about.

Around this time of the year when I am weary, Laziness tells me to relax just a bit because I worked hard. Then he slowly lowers my standard until I'm below trying. That is how our demons work, slowly. Too slow for us to notice something wrong. So slow that I gave up on things that mattered to me like art, music, and youth group for a time. I'm tired of this crap, and I'm tired of excuses that hide behind so-called "disorders". I think demons hide in unlikely places, but I also think God is bigger than our problems and He can heal anything. I know this because I am not weary, but determined. I am a bit surprised I have not given up yet or felt the pangs of exhaustion. I feel like Indiana Jones taking the leap of faith and realizing I am not falling to my doom, but moving forward closer to the grail. It is wonderful. It is miraculous. It is where my strength ends and God takes over. He really can do anything.

Hosea 11:9

Skepticism was trying to slit my throat again this week, and he picked a very good day to try it... Tuesday. The day that is by far my busiest and toughest day. The day that I'm vulnerable. Yesterday was a hard battle not only with my work, but with myself. Skepticism hated me for finding this verse, and I was glad to hit him with it all day yesterday (it's a verse that spoke to me and oddly enough as I realized after the fact 11:9 is my birthday. Not that it means anything I just thought it was cool. haha):

will not carry out my fierce anger,
nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man—
the Holy One among you.
I will not come in wrath.
Hosea 11:9

God is NOT like us. We did wrong to Him, but He held back His justice. A perfect God... holds back justice? that is ridiculous! I guarantee if someone did some wrong to you in turn you would want justice or revenge. On top of holding out on justice, He then shows us grace and compassion by dying for us. So we have the chance to be more like Him. That just proves how complex and amazing He is. No, God is not like us, and thus He is not subject to humanly assumptions placed on Him. He is holy. He is love. Nothing else on this planet can match that. Nothing.

I've always thought this is a good skit about God's love for us and our desire to be like and with Him:

Be Like Children

I feel like I have amnesia. Now I am slowly remembering all the little things I did as a teenager with my relationship with God. This transition into adulthood has been quite an experience for sure with some very hard moments leaving me with a cynical mind. I knew though, I did not want it and I have always remembered the words of Jesus "Unless you are like the children you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven." That has always been prominent in my thoughts as I slowly saw myself changing. Before I knew it I was a different person than my former teenage self. In some ways that is a good thing, but when it comes to being passionate or unafraid in decisions I had lost those. What I have observed from adults (and myself becoming one) is that we are afraid. Honestly, I am using the word afraid very generally. Afraid in a sense that adults are trying to be "smart" about not making the same mistake twice. It is a human thing, a natural thing for sure. I am not by any means saying that the adult mind is incorrect in its function. As humans we like to be extreme in our decisions... especially when it comes to pain.

No one likes pain, I sure do not like it. What I have noticed though, is there are good things in pain too. Necessary things. We as humans do not have the foresight to see what is happening long term, and because of that we base our decisions off of pain and happiness. It is quite ridiculous really. Pain and happiness are temporary. You see, teenagers and children have not experienced this yet. They do not know that there is always pain or happiness in decisions. As an adult I feel at a disadvantage because I have experienced pain, and pain can dictate my decisions. Adults argue and hesitate, but children give all of themselves without hesitation. Ironically, it is children who are unafraid in making decisions, not adults. Jesus was simplifying it for us because we like to be so complex. He wants us to be passionate, excited, and unafraid... like children.

Demons

Just to list a few demons I have been identifying in my life lately: Apathy, Laziness, Argument, Skepticism, Anger, and Impatience. Oh how I hate them all with a burning passion. I think the biggest one I can now see is Skepticism. For the longest time whenever I had to do any discipleship I had to explain the existence and consistency of God in my head. It was hell because nothing was solid and nothing could be proved thus effectively destroying my arguments in the real world. I stopped blogging for this very reason. If I did not really understand truth then what right did I have to talk about God. Truth became kinda vague and muddy. It was ugly. It was dead. Couple that with Apathy and you could kill someone.

I guess now I should not be surprised why so many young Christians are crushed by the world. The world has some good liars and the only thing that will stop them is God. I now realize nothing else holds true. Without God the demons jump on your mind like they have jumped on the mind of the world and twist the very goodness in which we were created. I'm still scarred by Skepticism and Apathy, and I'm not sure I will heal entirely which is unfortunate. God heals though and God brings truth. I think that alone is amazing. I praise Him for that.

"Oh Happiness, there is grace enough for us and the whole human race."

My Name is Jonah

My name is Jonah,
I run from God, and complain when my justice is not served.

My name is Moses,
I am afraid, so I make petty excuses about my weakness when God will be with me.

My name is Peter,
I am more concerned with the crashing waves than of God.

My name is Jacob Butts,
and I am all of these.



My name is Jesus,
I bled for Jacob and took his sin so he could live...

Life in New Eyes

I guess this sounds ridiculous, but I must say that I felt like I have gone through my millionth transformation. That is because it is ridiculous, I've probably only gone through maybe a dozen major transformations in my life. Each time I come out in a new and more mature relationship with God and a new hatred for my selfish human nature. To put it simply, I'm an idiot without God, and I absolutely hate it when I realize it. There are so many little bad habits I pick up when I'm without His love. Most of these habits, I have realized, are in the form of perception. The way I see things. With God I feel like I'm on top of a mountain viewing everything clearly, and without Him it is like walking through a thick fog in a forest. I find it funny how much we depend on our perception and our human counterpart, sight. Our sight guides us, and without it we stumble in the dark.

I will say it though not many will believe me: All of our misconceptions come from a lack of true understanding. Which as a result, we now have such a worldview as "no absolute truth". Although, any logical person could easily argue that such a thought is ridiculous, but it still seems to endure... why though? Is the confusion so thick it can make alternate truths? Actually, ...I believe so. Put a mouse in a maze and it will have the choice at one time or another to pick a route. What may seem a sensible choice depending on the surroundings could most likely end up a dead end. How do you know what is right? That is the question. Either way COULD be right but you have not reached the end yet. A maze only has one end, and it's clear as to where it is when you look from above. This is the point where my critics and the critics of all Christians shoot back: "How do you know your way is right?" Well, just looking at it I do not know, but from what I have experienced thus far are all ways were dead ends except God. All the paths I took were empty, unsatisfactory, and dead. It is funny in a calming sense, how simple and how real God can be. With Him, I feel alive, confident, and at peace. Everything just makes sense. Although, I have had the chance of a few dozen transformations, I see it as irrefutable proof of the life God gives. Yeah, I know I can't really prove Him with common worldviews, but all I have to say to you is this: How will you know if you do not try to take that path? I guarantee you it is different than all the rest.

Observations on Apathy "2" years later

I believe we all have painful stories. Most of those stories we regret. I know I have mine. What fascinates me in a horrific sense is my return to such stories, or should I say "folly". "History repeats itself". As the human race we have proved that, and I have proved it on an individual level. It literally makes me sick. To think of the mistakes I've made especially over this two year period of hell (again, almost literally). Simply put, I've been without the love of God or have been with God only when I thought it "counted". Don't misunderstand me here, I've been struggling with some questions and lack of good friendship, but I'm still to blame for my sin. It did not help two years ago that I became aware of the humanity of church leaders. I began to focus on the faults of the church instead of the holiness of God. Although, I still retain my thoughts about how my church home is not the same (for both good and worse), it is now clear to me that my frustration was spawned from my own anger and not the righteous anger of God. Such thoughts aside, it did not help that one of my best friends was questioning his beliefs. We had shared a close friendship which revolved around theology and God. I have seen many of my friends from my youth group leave the church. It is discouraging. This made me feel very alone in my faith. To add a finishing blow, I was taking a college course which required discussion and I made the mistake of saying I was a Christian in front of some very hateful people. My foundation was weakened and I crumbled during that semester.

If there is one thing I can tell you now it would be there are such entities as demons. They like to whisper lies and make you think those thoughts are your own. The lies I heard were: "No one cares about you", "The world hates you", and "God cannot be proved." The latter discouraged me immensely since it was the largest issue at hand. I felt as if I needed to prove this to my best friend so I could finally "sleep easy", but it only got worse. The arguments became harder to argue mostly because I was trying to argue with the same presupposition as him which is "there is no God". A word of advice for you Christians, DO NOT even begin such an argument if you believe this (because you contradict yourself), or even try to "relate" in some "realistic" way (I have come to realize the world passes a very large lie as truth.) No, you stand firm in what you believe. If you do not you will loose the validity of your argument.

My friend and I argued for a while longer until it was springtime. I was coming home on the evening of Palm Sunday when I hydroplaned off of the road close to home, and completely totaled my car. I was extremely fortunate to be alive (considering Cavaliers have terrible side crash ratings, and I was heading towards trees driver's side first), but in my cynical and heartless attitude at the time, I was angry. Mostly, I was angry because I could not pay for it or a new car. I cared nothing more than my ability to be independent. So God took it. After He took my car He took my job, and all possibility of landing another job over this last summer. It left me broken. I had so much time on my hands it felt awkward. So I began to read. I also spent a lot of time with the high school students of WRCC. As odd as it sounds, it helped me begin my recovery process. Not only did I hardly see my arguing friend anymore, I was also not distracted with the worries of school or work. God was reteaching me something I needed: Him. I had forgotten the pure joy of just feeling His presence. I felt alive again. I had no burden. I could breathe again. I felt like an idiot. This is not the first time I have felt Him, and all the times before when I screwed up. "As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool returns to his folly." Yeah, that's me. The worst part is I ate my own words ( if you had read the blog before this). So now I'm writing this blog two years after my last one. Two years ago I became the "coward for God". Now, I think I'm ready to begin anew.

Observations on Apathy

I actually wrote this note on Facebook almost two years ago as an observation of what I was seeing in people, and shortly after wards: myself. I love this blog because at the time I was wiser than I am now, or at least now I'm working on regaining my innocence in wisdom... again. After I wrote this I ate my own words, and even then I knew it was true. My next blog will be a follow up of the two year hiatus I took from wisdom and God which was not pleasant in the least. I hope you may take something from this as I have...


First off, I'm not referring this note to anyone. It is merely a part of my study or... observation of my drastic change in perspective and most people I have come in contact with over the past year-and-a-half:

I find it almost morbidly fascinating, this perspective of apathy. It occurs in our hearts when we least expect it. Most likely it begins when we ignore sin, consequences, or pain. Isolation does not help us sway back so easily either. In fact, separation from wise people in our lives is the beginning of listening to the only thing we have left: Our unstable thoughts... illusions. Some may argue that God is all we need, and yes, God is everything we need. But even God is a holy fellowship of three. We are designed like God. Therefore, we require fellowship just as a tree requires water. Without it we slowly wither away. Like God, I believe we also hold three relationships: Relationships with God, with others, and with ourselves. God is obviously the highest priority out of all our relationships (which is why we often mistake it as the only relationship). Second is our close relationships with others who also love God, and third we are then able to listen to our clear thoughts (which have been tested and refined by the first two). Take any one relationship away and the foundation crumbles. Clear thoughts are replaced with growing doubts and unanswered questions. If I were to name it I'd call it hell. Because all we do is tear away at our souls with an unhealthy drunken selfishness. Then without warning it strikes... apathy.

I can't determine what is worse: Us slowly tearing ourselves to pieces, or allowing apathy to finish us with one stroke. Apathy can suddenly rip through our souls in an unnatural corrupt manner which operates exactly the opposite as the Holy Spirit. A wave of numb confusion washes over and almost drowns the spirit altogether. It is a silent spiritual death to be certain. It is deadly because apathy sees the present and the overwhelming hopeless flaws it carries. Apathy sees humanity without God... without any potential for goodness to shine forth. It was frightening when I slowly found myself questioning the value of trusting friends, church leaders, idiots, and fools with ulterior selfish motives masking it all with lifeless plastic smiles. Eventually I became more "aware" of selfishness and less aware of God, and ironically I wondered why it tormented me. Ultimately I found apathy convinces us to trust no one and there is no reason to do anything. We don't care and all the sudden God disappears... taking life with Him.

If there is any other day to feel utterly hopeless... the most terrible day you may think of does not compare to completely turning your back towards God for a second. I don't know how I managed such a low so quickly... perhaps it was loneliness (lack of accountability), something that I certainly did not choose nor did I want such a loss, but it happened as it always happened before when good friends and mentors must go. It felt like too many left at once... and I was stunned. A fatal mistake on my part. I should have re-established at least one close friendship, but I did not even try. Then one day I couldn't worship because it wasn't authentic. Church was fake. People made unwise ignorant decisions and wondered why everything went wrong. I saw all this instead of God. I believe without a doubt that this is a sin. God said keep your eyes on me and you will not sink, but I saw the hopelessness of the waves and fell. I regret all the time wasted on myself. I regret letting people down time after time because I didn't care. I knew it was destructive when I saw it in other people, but I now realize the magnitude of destruction it can really cause.

If I could say something it would be "remember God... be vulnerable with wise friends, and don't isolate yourself" because it really hurts to be indecisive. It interferes with your life... and who knows, there might be an encounter with someone who is longing for one person that cares.