I actually wrote this note on Facebook almost two years ago as an observation of what I was seeing in people, and shortly after wards: myself. I love this blog because at the time I was wiser than I am now, or at least now I'm working on regaining my innocence in wisdom... again. After I wrote this I ate my own words, and even then I knew it was true. My next blog will be a follow up of the two year hiatus I took from wisdom and God which was not pleasant in the least. I hope you may take something from this as I have...
First off, I'm not referring this note to anyone. It is merely a part of my study or... observation of my drastic change in perspective and most people I have come in contact with over the past year-and-a-half:
I find it almost morbidly fascinating, this perspective of apathy. It occurs in our hearts when we least expect it. Most likely it begins when we ignore sin, consequences, or pain. Isolation does not help us sway back so easily either. In fact, separation from wise people in our lives is the beginning of listening to the only thing we have left: Our unstable thoughts... illusions. Some may argue that God is all we need, and yes, God is everything we need. But even God is a holy fellowship of three. We are designed like God. Therefore, we require fellowship just as a tree requires water. Without it we slowly wither away. Like God, I believe we also hold three relationships: Relationships with God, with others, and with ourselves. God is obviously the highest priority out of all our relationships (which is why we often mistake it as the only relationship). Second is our close relationships with others who also love God, and third we are then able to listen to our clear thoughts (which have been tested and refined by the first two). Take any one relationship away and the foundation crumbles. Clear thoughts are replaced with growing doubts and unanswered questions. If I were to name it I'd call it hell. Because all we do is tear away at our souls with an unhealthy drunken selfishness. Then without warning it strikes... apathy.
I can't determine what is worse: Us slowly tearing ourselves to pieces, or allowing apathy to finish us with one stroke. Apathy can suddenly rip through our souls in an unnatural corrupt manner which operates exactly the opposite as the Holy Spirit. A wave of numb confusion washes over and almost drowns the spirit altogether. It is a silent spiritual death to be certain. It is deadly because apathy sees the present and the overwhelming hopeless flaws it carries. Apathy sees humanity without God... without any potential for goodness to shine forth. It was frightening when I slowly found myself questioning the value of trusting friends, church leaders, idiots, and fools with ulterior selfish motives masking it all with lifeless plastic smiles. Eventually I became more "aware" of selfishness and less aware of God, and ironically I wondered why it tormented me. Ultimately I found apathy convinces us to trust no one and there is no reason to do anything. We don't care and all the sudden God disappears... taking life with Him.
If there is any other day to feel utterly hopeless... the most terrible day you may think of does not compare to completely turning your back towards God for a second. I don't know how I managed such a low so quickly... perhaps it was loneliness (lack of accountability), something that I certainly did not choose nor did I want such a loss, but it happened as it always happened before when good friends and mentors must go. It felt like too many left at once... and I was stunned. A fatal mistake on my part. I should have re-established at least one close friendship, but I did not even try. Then one day I couldn't worship because it wasn't authentic. Church was fake. People made unwise ignorant decisions and wondered why everything went wrong. I saw all this instead of God. I believe without a doubt that this is a sin. God said keep your eyes on me and you will not sink, but I saw the hopelessness of the waves and fell. I regret all the time wasted on myself. I regret letting people down time after time because I didn't care. I knew it was destructive when I saw it in other people, but I now realize the magnitude of destruction it can really cause.
If I could say something it would be "remember God... be vulnerable with wise friends, and don't isolate yourself" because it really hurts to be indecisive. It interferes with your life... and who knows, there might be an encounter with someone who is longing for one person that cares.
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