Anger

There are a few things that really make me angry: when helpless people are taken advantage of, when Christians misrepresent Christ (which I am to blame for at times too), and when people think they have no responsibility/need to get away/go to college/start their "life". The latter is what I began thinking about again last night while talking with someone, mostly pertaining to young women. If there is one thing I have learned about women it's when love and that "one" guy comes into play, nothing will deter them. I have commonly made the joke that girls who go to college go to get their MRS degree, but such comments were made out of frustration and anger. Just bear with me here I am not writing this as a rant. I do have a point.

I got angry again. The frustration came back and told me it was not fair that these girls do not care about you. Discouragement told me that I was useless in my efforts. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never kissed, and apparently my demons tell me I will never have a chance. It's a bit embarrassing at times when I become the butt of jokes. I think "why?". Is it something I have done? Is it who I am? Is it my last name or because I am tall? Then I begin thinking it's the girls that go off to college completely forgetting the possibility of a relationship with a guy back home. I liked, I talked, and I hung out two great Christian girls who I thought liked me too did exactly this , and now it has made me bitter. It made me feel unwanted and lonely. I thought I was a "good" Christian guy, but no, I guess the ones at college are better. This frustration has only begun in my college years because I still live at home and everyone left. It still haunts me from time to time and last night during a discussion it struck at me again. I have a slight crush on a girl at the moment(I'm not sure if I should be admitting this), and these thoughts only began to discourage me yet again.

Lies! All of my thoughts have not been my own! Demons tearing me down yet again! This entire week my old "friends" have been trying to bring me down. First it was apathy, then laziness, and now this. They do not stop! It is like drifting off to sleep thinking you are still awake. I was made fun of/taken advantage of as a kid, and now I hate to see others receive this (this anger is now legitimate because I do it to protect others but at one time it was for myself). The Christians who misrepresent Christ (yeah I wish everyone can do the "right thing", but it does not exclude me. Therefore, it was for myself). And finally, girls who have their mind set on college and guys at college (This is purely me. I do not absolutely "need" a relationship. I just want to be noticed and loved. It was for myself)

Do you see the pattern? All of my anger began or is about me, me, me. I do not have my way therefore, I become angry. I am so selfish. Anger tricked me into believing it's not me it's those idiots that are not doing things right. No, it's me. I cared about what I wanted instead of what God wanted. This is the same reason why things such as revenge are wrong. I am also saying God is not enough for me. How selfish am I? Anger is about us. It cares only to right what was wrong doing it our way, but anger is not all bad. God becomes angry when He sees us suffer from our sin. He hates sin. Quite honestly, I think I would like to be with Him on this. The only thing I experience from my anger is more anger, and eventually, I just eat at myself until there is nothing much left. If there is anything I should be angry about it is my own sin.