Laziness

It's about that time of the year / semester /midterm, where my motivation goes on vacation until mid-spring. I do not know why... well actually I do. I get overwhelmed. School, Work, Church, Christmas, and lack of friends to really talk to is discouraging. Bears call it hibernation, Seniors call it Senioritis, and I call it laziness. Yes, laziness. You are probably thinking like being tired and overwhelmed and just sitting around doing nothing. That is a part of what I'm talking about, but mostly I am talking about where the desire to be lazy is coming from.

A psychologist once analyzed me and told me I had ADD. Not the hyper kind, but the daydream kind. I believed it. I always thought I had motivational issues because I have a hard time telling myself to do something and then actually do it. I recently have discovered I have been battling laziness most of my life. I even made decisions based off of the premise that I have no motivation. For example: There is no way I can get married because I have no "motivation" (or do not have the same "motivation" as my parents) to keep things running when it gets tough. So I settle for the minimum only to realize that the minimum I still have to do stuff. All the while lowering standards of excellence leading to a larger lack of motivation. Then I realized something simple: This is me talking. "Can't keep things running when it gets tough."? What am I saying!? I can't complete life therefore I will not try!? It is like giving up on exercise before your muscles begin to burn. What use is that? How will I become stronger? No, apathy and laziness are paths to weakness as I have realized. The biggest lie I have believed my whole life is now showing it's face and it is so hideous. This leech has fooled me into giving up so many times. Laziness tricked me into believing the problem was too big for me to handle. That is the exact opposite of what God is about.

Around this time of the year when I am weary, Laziness tells me to relax just a bit because I worked hard. Then he slowly lowers my standard until I'm below trying. That is how our demons work, slowly. Too slow for us to notice something wrong. So slow that I gave up on things that mattered to me like art, music, and youth group for a time. I'm tired of this crap, and I'm tired of excuses that hide behind so-called "disorders". I think demons hide in unlikely places, but I also think God is bigger than our problems and He can heal anything. I know this because I am not weary, but determined. I am a bit surprised I have not given up yet or felt the pangs of exhaustion. I feel like Indiana Jones taking the leap of faith and realizing I am not falling to my doom, but moving forward closer to the grail. It is wonderful. It is miraculous. It is where my strength ends and God takes over. He really can do anything.