Shelob's Lair

Although I am happy this long "two" (five) years at college is coming to a close, I am frightened. I expressed this fear two blogs ago when referring to Peter walking on water. At a glance my short semester would seem easy, but I just know all too well the struggle and pain it will bring about. I feel like Frodo as he is entering Shelob's lair.

Gollum: It's the only way. Go in, or go back.
Frodo: I cannot go back.

The path looks much more difficult than before, and yet I cannot go back because I am so close. Most of my choices this semester will determine my future for at least the next ten years. It is so big... possibly one of the largest set of decisions in my life so far. It is paralyzing, but apathy is not the proper response. I figure with how early this overwhelming sense is hitting me it has to be the work of discouragement. This fiend has always made sure that when I am down I stay down, but I say, not now! You will not stunt me in this crucial time for not only myself, but my friends and family as well. Go to the darkness where you belong, coward! My God is here and He does not share power!

Though, I have been discouraged I accidentally allowed another harasser to beat me senseless. I don't know what to call it or even if I should give it one name, but my emotions have run wild under my selfish intentions. I was angry to the point of almost saying something stupid to a group of people, I relaxed too much (even though I said I wasn't going to), and I carelessly juggled my heart. Relaxing was the mistake, but to be perfectly honest where I let my heart take me is what I am really thinking about. I've been here before and I know all too well how this feels and how it ends. It will end in pain. A pain which would stop me for a good amount of time. Just what the enemy desires for me. And so this is where my knowledge on such matters end because my only "loves" have been infatuations which ended in harsh reality. Though, I do believe the infatuation itself is not a sin, but where I take the infatuation may be. Like looking forward to the future, it is something which sounds innocent, but evil since it detaches me from God and on to something as feeble as the wind. This is why I was hurt in the past and how I can be hurt again. But how is it someone can become so beautiful and full of God where it can make me stop breathing, tremble nervously, or stutter when I had not before? Especially when it comes unexpectedly. Yes, I desire mutual love... so badly, but God will provide where an infatuation should not. Above all else I worry that my fall would be a sin as well since being rendered useless I would not be there for those who need Him through me. The enemy has surely found my weakness. This I know I cannot do alone, and because of this fact the enemy made a poor tactical decision. I will look to God. He will be me when I am not. I cannot go back. I will not go back!