Extremes

I do believe we are a complicated species. I should not be surprised I guess. The world ...no, the entire universe is complex in an awe-inspiring and physical sense. Not only is it complex, but everything in it has their own complexities. Everything works together to make something bigger. It is fragile. Almost like balancing on the tip of a needle. But I'm straying away from my original thought.

What I have been thinking about lately has to do with our complexity. I have found it ironic that although everything around us, even ourselves, and our thoughts are complex we still are simple-minded. Why is this? It seems that we cannot control our own complexities around us, and so we return to what we know to be safe or worse: we jump to extremes. Everyone does it. I do it. I see this decision process like a target: it is easy to shoot anywhere but the bulls eye. We know we can at least just hit the target. This applies to every decision and every action we take. Our judgments rely on our simple-minded behavior. Though many say this is a gray world we all treat is like it is black and white. Here is an example: Humanity is self-destructive, solution: destroy or control humanity. Some will say kill the corrupt leaders, but more will rise up. Some will say control is the answer, but the obvious is written in history. Few will say wipe out the human race, but no one wants to die.

Do you see the correlation here? Three solutions with problems because we think we can solve a complex problem with a simple answer (a simple shot). In reality, we can't hit the bulls eye because we do not know how to aim. Another example: Someone says something hurtful to another and to avoid the pain again this person shuts out all criticism (I've seen it). How will this person grow if he does not listen to his enemies AND his friends? He doesn't. Extremes, as I have seen, are a plague upon the human race. It is everywhere! Philosophies use it: utilitarianism (the greater good), old cynicism (non-materialistic), and skepticism (distrusting). Those are only extremes... half-truths. I was surprised to see that I do this in my hesitation and cowardice. I wait because I know it is safe and I know I will not take any risks, and more importantly I know I can just hit anywhere on the "target" in any situation. That is my extreme. Even physically too much food or too much exercise can be bad, but we know the actions themselves are stable. The old saying "everything in moderation" is turning out to be so true. So a conclusion I have come to is in some small way these extremes act as gods we worship. I know my introversion is a tangible foundation for me. I can always count on my introversion when I am in pain or worried, but is that not what God is exactly for?

I think (in my extreme decisions) it is Jesus (don't confuse Him with the church) that literally solves everything. He helps hit the bulls eye for us. As complex as everything is and as simple as this sounds it appears too easy, but I've seen the effect He has on people and I have no doubt it is Him we need. This is what we are here for. Our purpose. He is what makes us prosper instead of being self-destructive. I said earlier everything in the universe is complex, but I also have observed that everything relies on some kind of foundation. Without foundation the complexities will fall apart. God is that foundation not our extremes. The irony of it all is we can just rely on Him, and I believe that is why we are so simple-minded. We cannot solve our problems because we lack the ability to control our extremes.

Gods

I've wanted to blog so many times this week (more blogs will probably follow in the next few days), but my work and school have been overwhelming with trying to finish up before Thanksgiving break. Honestly, I think finals will be cake... wait, I know it will be cake because I just finished up some of my final papers and all I have to do are simple tests. The worst is behind me until next semester that is. I've done it. Believe it or not I'm very surprised at my capabilities this semester. This is the only week I had stress. Besides Tuesdays, which are crazy, this whole week I was stressed but I pulled it off. How? Quite simply, God. Even though the waters were rough with work, school, and just last night sexology with the high school students God still pulled me through. I have mentioned this before in my laziness blog, but the limits of my motivation to do my best has long past and God remains. Incredible.

Right now I'm thinking "what's next?" Well, the holidays are upon us and chillaxin' will be to the extreme. That worries me. When I'm tired, I shut down. When I'm tired of school, I shut down for a good while like for about a month or longer. This also means I shut down spiritually. I don't really know why, and I have long observed it without any real conclusions. Worshiping God in the struggles does not seems very hard since He is all I really have, but when I have everything and more at my fingertips I bid Him farewell in favor of my selfish entertainment. I honestly hate the fact I have a difficult time looking to Him when things are going good. It is not that I purposefully mean to shirk Him away it's just my physical rest has been met and therefore such similar needs or wants speak louder than Him. Linking your spiritual self with your physical self is very dangerous. Yes, there are metaphors in which the physical represents the spiritual, but that is as far as it should go. Spiritually should be the priority or more specifically God should be the priority. I have found that when I let God control me the physical wants and even needs almost disappear as if He is everything we need. However, when I taste the goodness of physicality again I forget the goodness of the spirit. I have no doubt this is where matters of faith apply. We are too weak. I'm too weak to balance both. This is why Jesus told the rich young man to go home and sell all of his possesions. He could not house both gods. What this really all comes down to are gods/idols. Mine just so happens to be entertainment and relaxation. I look forward to facing off with this during beak in December. God is on my side.

23

Today I turn 23. Quite honestly, 23 is a huge difference from 22 to me. First of all 22 is almost like 21, still riding on the coat-tails of young freedom. 23 however, is a sobering reality that is quite frightening. I really am an adult. I am not growing up anymore I am as grown up as I am going to be. I have more responsibilities and will continue to receive more responsibilities. Yeah, I'm still young I know that, but it feels to me like the best has past in terms of health. I am legitimately scared of health problems. Mostly because I've seen it firsthand with my family. Back problems and vision failure scare me the most. I know it sounds ridiculous that I am scared of something that will fade anyway, but I would not be human if I was not afraid. I am an artist and I rely on my sight HEAVILY. Going blind is one of my greatest fears (not that I will in the near future), and having poor sight is not far behind it. Although, 40 is when my sight should really begin to deteriorate it is only 17 years away. 17!!! That is less than the years I have already lived! And it feels like 23 years blew right by.

What am I really afraid of though? Loosing my "youth" so to speak is only a facade for the real fear: depravity. I don't want my best to be behind me. No one does. Really though, as simple and silly as this may sound it is like building a house on sand. Our bodies are bound to fail, and our lives will become more difficult. What use is there placing my worries on that? And so I come to the realization that I have been duped. My demons have again taken advantage of my fears. They really do not give up, but neither does God.

Last Thursday He was preparing me for this very challenge. I did not know at the time, and quite frankly, it frustrated me. As I headed to work on that morning my car decided to quit. Turned out my fuel pump had died (it pumps the fuel into the engine which is also the equivalent of a heart). As I sat there waiting I was thinking "I just bought this car and now it dies. Man, this is not fair" I was frustrated. I knew God was saying something yet I was so upset with my inconsistency to fully realize it. Then it clicked. I had twittered my realization later that day that said, "I do not deserve what I have been given therefore, what right do I have to complain?". I was caught up in my own frustration to realize this simple truth: God lasts. He is also consistent. What we have received are only blessings not hard-earned well-deserved rewards... they are blessings. We do not deserve anything. Not even our very lives. In that mentality, who am I to worry about what is not mine? A wise man once told me, "God gives and God takes" Realizing you have no ownership is a difficult reality, but it is a necessary one.

Decisions

Recently I have been dealing with some huge decisions such as: finding a new car (which God had so kindly presented it to me and I now have.), managing my money to make payments, and pondering what I should do after I graduate in the spring. All of these decisions are very prominent in my life right now, but the most unknown and irritating one of all is where I'll be next year.

I'm the kind of guy that will get overwhelmed easily when I look at the big picture which is why I don't usually do such things. I like to take things one at a time and when something comes up I focus on it then. Granted, there are things I have to think about in advance, but the approach is still the same. However, this question is boring into my brain. I have been attending Ivy Tech and majoring in Visual Communications, but at Ivy Tech the farthest I can go is with my associate's degree. It's a two-year school and this will be my fifth year there. Part of that is I changed my major, I was working to pay for tuition, I have failed only a few classes (dropped out), and I was only taking 12 credit hours a semester. But now I'm almost done and the question remains: what now? Well, quite honestly I want to get my bachelor's. I do not want to end up without a job someday because I only have experience and no bachelor's (and I've seen it happen). I also am tired of Indy. For five years I have commuted and worked my butt off to make it by just so I could work some more, and quite honestly, I'm tired of it. Another downside about living at home: it's lonely. In my entire life I have never experienced so much pain and discouragement as I have in these past five years. I have no friends to talk to about what is going on in my life. I have no one to relate to so I keep things to myself. Even though I am somewhat of an introvert, I realize no one should ever be alone. We are beings created to fellowship. Our relationship with God is a fellowship. Why do you think solitary confinement is so effective? Cut off the oxygen and watch them suffocate.

Although these factors are screaming at me for a change I cannot let my guard down now. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and I know I have to be careful when making this decision. What it comes down to is this: I have been looking at universities for similar degrees to that of mine so I can seamlessly transfer. The ironic part is the only university I have found close to home with such a degree is Indiana Wesleyan University. It is ironic because I have been visiting my friends there since I graduated high school and I still continue to visit from time to time. I really love the campus. I am also very familiar with the campus and Marion (since my grandmother lived there and my dad grew up there). That also means I know all the bad things about the campus: the strict beliefs, tuition, and the people. The tuition is the very thing I have been proud to avoid in the past few years, and if I give in and get my bachelor's you can bet I'll be paying off tuition for ten years or more. Not cool.

So here I am at a crossroads of decisions that I never imagined during the summer. I most definitely never even imagined considering IWU as a school to attend, mostly because it did not have the Computer Graphics major a few years ago. My friends begged me to go for years now, and here I am actually thinking about it. Yes, I am excited, but I am very wary right now. I feel as if something bad should happen because this is too good to be true (minus the tuition), but I also thought getting my job back and finding a new car (minus the payments) was too good to be true. Should I seriously consider this? I have never moved from here in my entire life. I would miss Noblesville and the youth at White River like crazy, but I would have a social life again (friends my age... well, close to), I would have much more freedom, and probably a lot less worries. It is so enticing like smelling delicious food on the table while you sit there starving. I want it so bad, but yet I hesitate. I need to be wise now.

Anger

There are a few things that really make me angry: when helpless people are taken advantage of, when Christians misrepresent Christ (which I am to blame for at times too), and when people think they have no responsibility/need to get away/go to college/start their "life". The latter is what I began thinking about again last night while talking with someone, mostly pertaining to young women. If there is one thing I have learned about women it's when love and that "one" guy comes into play, nothing will deter them. I have commonly made the joke that girls who go to college go to get their MRS degree, but such comments were made out of frustration and anger. Just bear with me here I am not writing this as a rant. I do have a point.

I got angry again. The frustration came back and told me it was not fair that these girls do not care about you. Discouragement told me that I was useless in my efforts. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never kissed, and apparently my demons tell me I will never have a chance. It's a bit embarrassing at times when I become the butt of jokes. I think "why?". Is it something I have done? Is it who I am? Is it my last name or because I am tall? Then I begin thinking it's the girls that go off to college completely forgetting the possibility of a relationship with a guy back home. I liked, I talked, and I hung out two great Christian girls who I thought liked me too did exactly this , and now it has made me bitter. It made me feel unwanted and lonely. I thought I was a "good" Christian guy, but no, I guess the ones at college are better. This frustration has only begun in my college years because I still live at home and everyone left. It still haunts me from time to time and last night during a discussion it struck at me again. I have a slight crush on a girl at the moment(I'm not sure if I should be admitting this), and these thoughts only began to discourage me yet again.

Lies! All of my thoughts have not been my own! Demons tearing me down yet again! This entire week my old "friends" have been trying to bring me down. First it was apathy, then laziness, and now this. They do not stop! It is like drifting off to sleep thinking you are still awake. I was made fun of/taken advantage of as a kid, and now I hate to see others receive this (this anger is now legitimate because I do it to protect others but at one time it was for myself). The Christians who misrepresent Christ (yeah I wish everyone can do the "right thing", but it does not exclude me. Therefore, it was for myself). And finally, girls who have their mind set on college and guys at college (This is purely me. I do not absolutely "need" a relationship. I just want to be noticed and loved. It was for myself)

Do you see the pattern? All of my anger began or is about me, me, me. I do not have my way therefore, I become angry. I am so selfish. Anger tricked me into believing it's not me it's those idiots that are not doing things right. No, it's me. I cared about what I wanted instead of what God wanted. This is the same reason why things such as revenge are wrong. I am also saying God is not enough for me. How selfish am I? Anger is about us. It cares only to right what was wrong doing it our way, but anger is not all bad. God becomes angry when He sees us suffer from our sin. He hates sin. Quite honestly, I think I would like to be with Him on this. The only thing I experience from my anger is more anger, and eventually, I just eat at myself until there is nothing much left. If there is anything I should be angry about it is my own sin.

Laziness

It's about that time of the year / semester /midterm, where my motivation goes on vacation until mid-spring. I do not know why... well actually I do. I get overwhelmed. School, Work, Church, Christmas, and lack of friends to really talk to is discouraging. Bears call it hibernation, Seniors call it Senioritis, and I call it laziness. Yes, laziness. You are probably thinking like being tired and overwhelmed and just sitting around doing nothing. That is a part of what I'm talking about, but mostly I am talking about where the desire to be lazy is coming from.

A psychologist once analyzed me and told me I had ADD. Not the hyper kind, but the daydream kind. I believed it. I always thought I had motivational issues because I have a hard time telling myself to do something and then actually do it. I recently have discovered I have been battling laziness most of my life. I even made decisions based off of the premise that I have no motivation. For example: There is no way I can get married because I have no "motivation" (or do not have the same "motivation" as my parents) to keep things running when it gets tough. So I settle for the minimum only to realize that the minimum I still have to do stuff. All the while lowering standards of excellence leading to a larger lack of motivation. Then I realized something simple: This is me talking. "Can't keep things running when it gets tough."? What am I saying!? I can't complete life therefore I will not try!? It is like giving up on exercise before your muscles begin to burn. What use is that? How will I become stronger? No, apathy and laziness are paths to weakness as I have realized. The biggest lie I have believed my whole life is now showing it's face and it is so hideous. This leech has fooled me into giving up so many times. Laziness tricked me into believing the problem was too big for me to handle. That is the exact opposite of what God is about.

Around this time of the year when I am weary, Laziness tells me to relax just a bit because I worked hard. Then he slowly lowers my standard until I'm below trying. That is how our demons work, slowly. Too slow for us to notice something wrong. So slow that I gave up on things that mattered to me like art, music, and youth group for a time. I'm tired of this crap, and I'm tired of excuses that hide behind so-called "disorders". I think demons hide in unlikely places, but I also think God is bigger than our problems and He can heal anything. I know this because I am not weary, but determined. I am a bit surprised I have not given up yet or felt the pangs of exhaustion. I feel like Indiana Jones taking the leap of faith and realizing I am not falling to my doom, but moving forward closer to the grail. It is wonderful. It is miraculous. It is where my strength ends and God takes over. He really can do anything.

Hosea 11:9

Skepticism was trying to slit my throat again this week, and he picked a very good day to try it... Tuesday. The day that is by far my busiest and toughest day. The day that I'm vulnerable. Yesterday was a hard battle not only with my work, but with myself. Skepticism hated me for finding this verse, and I was glad to hit him with it all day yesterday (it's a verse that spoke to me and oddly enough as I realized after the fact 11:9 is my birthday. Not that it means anything I just thought it was cool. haha):

will not carry out my fierce anger,
nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man—
the Holy One among you.
I will not come in wrath.
Hosea 11:9

God is NOT like us. We did wrong to Him, but He held back His justice. A perfect God... holds back justice? that is ridiculous! I guarantee if someone did some wrong to you in turn you would want justice or revenge. On top of holding out on justice, He then shows us grace and compassion by dying for us. So we have the chance to be more like Him. That just proves how complex and amazing He is. No, God is not like us, and thus He is not subject to humanly assumptions placed on Him. He is holy. He is love. Nothing else on this planet can match that. Nothing.

I've always thought this is a good skit about God's love for us and our desire to be like and with Him:

Be Like Children

I feel like I have amnesia. Now I am slowly remembering all the little things I did as a teenager with my relationship with God. This transition into adulthood has been quite an experience for sure with some very hard moments leaving me with a cynical mind. I knew though, I did not want it and I have always remembered the words of Jesus "Unless you are like the children you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven." That has always been prominent in my thoughts as I slowly saw myself changing. Before I knew it I was a different person than my former teenage self. In some ways that is a good thing, but when it comes to being passionate or unafraid in decisions I had lost those. What I have observed from adults (and myself becoming one) is that we are afraid. Honestly, I am using the word afraid very generally. Afraid in a sense that adults are trying to be "smart" about not making the same mistake twice. It is a human thing, a natural thing for sure. I am not by any means saying that the adult mind is incorrect in its function. As humans we like to be extreme in our decisions... especially when it comes to pain.

No one likes pain, I sure do not like it. What I have noticed though, is there are good things in pain too. Necessary things. We as humans do not have the foresight to see what is happening long term, and because of that we base our decisions off of pain and happiness. It is quite ridiculous really. Pain and happiness are temporary. You see, teenagers and children have not experienced this yet. They do not know that there is always pain or happiness in decisions. As an adult I feel at a disadvantage because I have experienced pain, and pain can dictate my decisions. Adults argue and hesitate, but children give all of themselves without hesitation. Ironically, it is children who are unafraid in making decisions, not adults. Jesus was simplifying it for us because we like to be so complex. He wants us to be passionate, excited, and unafraid... like children.

Demons

Just to list a few demons I have been identifying in my life lately: Apathy, Laziness, Argument, Skepticism, Anger, and Impatience. Oh how I hate them all with a burning passion. I think the biggest one I can now see is Skepticism. For the longest time whenever I had to do any discipleship I had to explain the existence and consistency of God in my head. It was hell because nothing was solid and nothing could be proved thus effectively destroying my arguments in the real world. I stopped blogging for this very reason. If I did not really understand truth then what right did I have to talk about God. Truth became kinda vague and muddy. It was ugly. It was dead. Couple that with Apathy and you could kill someone.

I guess now I should not be surprised why so many young Christians are crushed by the world. The world has some good liars and the only thing that will stop them is God. I now realize nothing else holds true. Without God the demons jump on your mind like they have jumped on the mind of the world and twist the very goodness in which we were created. I'm still scarred by Skepticism and Apathy, and I'm not sure I will heal entirely which is unfortunate. God heals though and God brings truth. I think that alone is amazing. I praise Him for that.

"Oh Happiness, there is grace enough for us and the whole human race."

My Name is Jonah

My name is Jonah,
I run from God, and complain when my justice is not served.

My name is Moses,
I am afraid, so I make petty excuses about my weakness when God will be with me.

My name is Peter,
I am more concerned with the crashing waves than of God.

My name is Jacob Butts,
and I am all of these.



My name is Jesus,
I bled for Jacob and took his sin so he could live...

Life in New Eyes

I guess this sounds ridiculous, but I must say that I felt like I have gone through my millionth transformation. That is because it is ridiculous, I've probably only gone through maybe a dozen major transformations in my life. Each time I come out in a new and more mature relationship with God and a new hatred for my selfish human nature. To put it simply, I'm an idiot without God, and I absolutely hate it when I realize it. There are so many little bad habits I pick up when I'm without His love. Most of these habits, I have realized, are in the form of perception. The way I see things. With God I feel like I'm on top of a mountain viewing everything clearly, and without Him it is like walking through a thick fog in a forest. I find it funny how much we depend on our perception and our human counterpart, sight. Our sight guides us, and without it we stumble in the dark.

I will say it though not many will believe me: All of our misconceptions come from a lack of true understanding. Which as a result, we now have such a worldview as "no absolute truth". Although, any logical person could easily argue that such a thought is ridiculous, but it still seems to endure... why though? Is the confusion so thick it can make alternate truths? Actually, ...I believe so. Put a mouse in a maze and it will have the choice at one time or another to pick a route. What may seem a sensible choice depending on the surroundings could most likely end up a dead end. How do you know what is right? That is the question. Either way COULD be right but you have not reached the end yet. A maze only has one end, and it's clear as to where it is when you look from above. This is the point where my critics and the critics of all Christians shoot back: "How do you know your way is right?" Well, just looking at it I do not know, but from what I have experienced thus far are all ways were dead ends except God. All the paths I took were empty, unsatisfactory, and dead. It is funny in a calming sense, how simple and how real God can be. With Him, I feel alive, confident, and at peace. Everything just makes sense. Although, I have had the chance of a few dozen transformations, I see it as irrefutable proof of the life God gives. Yeah, I know I can't really prove Him with common worldviews, but all I have to say to you is this: How will you know if you do not try to take that path? I guarantee you it is different than all the rest.

Observations on Apathy "2" years later

I believe we all have painful stories. Most of those stories we regret. I know I have mine. What fascinates me in a horrific sense is my return to such stories, or should I say "folly". "History repeats itself". As the human race we have proved that, and I have proved it on an individual level. It literally makes me sick. To think of the mistakes I've made especially over this two year period of hell (again, almost literally). Simply put, I've been without the love of God or have been with God only when I thought it "counted". Don't misunderstand me here, I've been struggling with some questions and lack of good friendship, but I'm still to blame for my sin. It did not help two years ago that I became aware of the humanity of church leaders. I began to focus on the faults of the church instead of the holiness of God. Although, I still retain my thoughts about how my church home is not the same (for both good and worse), it is now clear to me that my frustration was spawned from my own anger and not the righteous anger of God. Such thoughts aside, it did not help that one of my best friends was questioning his beliefs. We had shared a close friendship which revolved around theology and God. I have seen many of my friends from my youth group leave the church. It is discouraging. This made me feel very alone in my faith. To add a finishing blow, I was taking a college course which required discussion and I made the mistake of saying I was a Christian in front of some very hateful people. My foundation was weakened and I crumbled during that semester.

If there is one thing I can tell you now it would be there are such entities as demons. They like to whisper lies and make you think those thoughts are your own. The lies I heard were: "No one cares about you", "The world hates you", and "God cannot be proved." The latter discouraged me immensely since it was the largest issue at hand. I felt as if I needed to prove this to my best friend so I could finally "sleep easy", but it only got worse. The arguments became harder to argue mostly because I was trying to argue with the same presupposition as him which is "there is no God". A word of advice for you Christians, DO NOT even begin such an argument if you believe this (because you contradict yourself), or even try to "relate" in some "realistic" way (I have come to realize the world passes a very large lie as truth.) No, you stand firm in what you believe. If you do not you will loose the validity of your argument.

My friend and I argued for a while longer until it was springtime. I was coming home on the evening of Palm Sunday when I hydroplaned off of the road close to home, and completely totaled my car. I was extremely fortunate to be alive (considering Cavaliers have terrible side crash ratings, and I was heading towards trees driver's side first), but in my cynical and heartless attitude at the time, I was angry. Mostly, I was angry because I could not pay for it or a new car. I cared nothing more than my ability to be independent. So God took it. After He took my car He took my job, and all possibility of landing another job over this last summer. It left me broken. I had so much time on my hands it felt awkward. So I began to read. I also spent a lot of time with the high school students of WRCC. As odd as it sounds, it helped me begin my recovery process. Not only did I hardly see my arguing friend anymore, I was also not distracted with the worries of school or work. God was reteaching me something I needed: Him. I had forgotten the pure joy of just feeling His presence. I felt alive again. I had no burden. I could breathe again. I felt like an idiot. This is not the first time I have felt Him, and all the times before when I screwed up. "As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool returns to his folly." Yeah, that's me. The worst part is I ate my own words ( if you had read the blog before this). So now I'm writing this blog two years after my last one. Two years ago I became the "coward for God". Now, I think I'm ready to begin anew.

Observations on Apathy

I actually wrote this note on Facebook almost two years ago as an observation of what I was seeing in people, and shortly after wards: myself. I love this blog because at the time I was wiser than I am now, or at least now I'm working on regaining my innocence in wisdom... again. After I wrote this I ate my own words, and even then I knew it was true. My next blog will be a follow up of the two year hiatus I took from wisdom and God which was not pleasant in the least. I hope you may take something from this as I have...


First off, I'm not referring this note to anyone. It is merely a part of my study or... observation of my drastic change in perspective and most people I have come in contact with over the past year-and-a-half:

I find it almost morbidly fascinating, this perspective of apathy. It occurs in our hearts when we least expect it. Most likely it begins when we ignore sin, consequences, or pain. Isolation does not help us sway back so easily either. In fact, separation from wise people in our lives is the beginning of listening to the only thing we have left: Our unstable thoughts... illusions. Some may argue that God is all we need, and yes, God is everything we need. But even God is a holy fellowship of three. We are designed like God. Therefore, we require fellowship just as a tree requires water. Without it we slowly wither away. Like God, I believe we also hold three relationships: Relationships with God, with others, and with ourselves. God is obviously the highest priority out of all our relationships (which is why we often mistake it as the only relationship). Second is our close relationships with others who also love God, and third we are then able to listen to our clear thoughts (which have been tested and refined by the first two). Take any one relationship away and the foundation crumbles. Clear thoughts are replaced with growing doubts and unanswered questions. If I were to name it I'd call it hell. Because all we do is tear away at our souls with an unhealthy drunken selfishness. Then without warning it strikes... apathy.

I can't determine what is worse: Us slowly tearing ourselves to pieces, or allowing apathy to finish us with one stroke. Apathy can suddenly rip through our souls in an unnatural corrupt manner which operates exactly the opposite as the Holy Spirit. A wave of numb confusion washes over and almost drowns the spirit altogether. It is a silent spiritual death to be certain. It is deadly because apathy sees the present and the overwhelming hopeless flaws it carries. Apathy sees humanity without God... without any potential for goodness to shine forth. It was frightening when I slowly found myself questioning the value of trusting friends, church leaders, idiots, and fools with ulterior selfish motives masking it all with lifeless plastic smiles. Eventually I became more "aware" of selfishness and less aware of God, and ironically I wondered why it tormented me. Ultimately I found apathy convinces us to trust no one and there is no reason to do anything. We don't care and all the sudden God disappears... taking life with Him.

If there is any other day to feel utterly hopeless... the most terrible day you may think of does not compare to completely turning your back towards God for a second. I don't know how I managed such a low so quickly... perhaps it was loneliness (lack of accountability), something that I certainly did not choose nor did I want such a loss, but it happened as it always happened before when good friends and mentors must go. It felt like too many left at once... and I was stunned. A fatal mistake on my part. I should have re-established at least one close friendship, but I did not even try. Then one day I couldn't worship because it wasn't authentic. Church was fake. People made unwise ignorant decisions and wondered why everything went wrong. I saw all this instead of God. I believe without a doubt that this is a sin. God said keep your eyes on me and you will not sink, but I saw the hopelessness of the waves and fell. I regret all the time wasted on myself. I regret letting people down time after time because I didn't care. I knew it was destructive when I saw it in other people, but I now realize the magnitude of destruction it can really cause.

If I could say something it would be "remember God... be vulnerable with wise friends, and don't isolate yourself" because it really hurts to be indecisive. It interferes with your life... and who knows, there might be an encounter with someone who is longing for one person that cares.