Déjà vu

It's been almost 4 months since I last wrote. I've really wanted to write about so much since then, but I've either been too busy or I forgot. Right now I'm just doing nothing. This summer is a repeat of last summer: My work lets me go and I cannot find another job except for small freelancing jobs here and there. I work my butt off during school just to pay for school, gas, and other necessities and when it comes around to me actually having some substance in my savings account it never happens. It's like I have a perpetual "under $150" limit. I'm not kidding when I say it feels like this is happening to me on purpose. At times I am frustrated (as I've mentioned above), but there are many other times where I look at this situation and say "You know, I don't have much to worry about". It really isn't that bad I just want to know I have some security my finances. Perhaps that is the problem.

I can't tell if God is slapping me in the face for a lesson I didn't learn (which I could have sworn I did) or maybe He wants me to focus on other things more important than a job right now. The latter is an idea that is harder to swallow. I was taught to work hard. To do my best and work when I don't want to. Working is a necessity... especially if you knew what hardships my family has faced in the way of finances. And now when my instincts are screaming at me to take the initiative (which I have and "coincidentally" no one is hiring... again) it seems this opposing force of rejection is trying to tell me something else. If I'm honest with myself I don't have much time left to work before I leave (by the way, I'm going to Indiana Wesleyan). I have a job opportunity on campus and it requires that I move in two weeks early for training which is mid-August. This is a good thing as far as working is concerned, but until then I'm going to focus more intensely than ever on utilizing my talents for my responsibilities... my duties. I cannot tell you how much it tears me apart that I have to leave my areas of ministry to go pursue something I consider to be a partial waste of time, but I must go. Before I leave I don't want to suddenly become lax and selfish because I'm leaving for myself. I want to keep on doing good here up until my time is over with. This is my goal for the summer. I want to God to exceed so much more than what He has done through me in my entire time as a youth sponsor. I do not want to get in the way of what God has planned.